*yes that’s pronounced the way you think
If you’re not watching this show then you honestly aren’t living your best life and you deserve better. But no one except Jordan is perfect and Bachelor in Paradise is all about second chances so today is your lucky day. It wasn’t easy but I wiped my tears of laughter away long enough to transcribe all of the best quotes from the first episode for you. Believe me, the pleasure was all mine.
“She cooks for me. She does my laundry. I mean as far as I’m concerned I am already in paradise. Unfortunately I can’t marry my mom, so going to the other paradise is pretty ideal.” -David
“There’s a lot of things I’m scared of. Sand, thunder, large bodies of water, class one recyclable plastics, guys with red hair, sombreros, and I’ve never really been a big fan of birds.” -Annaliese
“If my ass gets blurred, I’m doing something right. My goal here is to kill them with booty.” -Bibiana
“A place as beautiful as me, finally.” -Jordan
“The road to get here was a little bumpy, it’s the most action my uterus has had in a while.” -Bibiana
“I’m waiting for the hooha to whisper, ‘This one is a good one.'” -Also, Bibiana
“I really hope I don’t get sent home first again.” -Grocery Store Joe
“Wills is meeting Wells and Wells is meeting Wills and there’s well vodka behind the bar so it’s like ‘Wells you got any well vodka back there?’ It’s like, hold on a second my mind hurts.” -Jordan
“Paradise is freaking awesome. I don’t want to get ahead of myself but there are some fine looking ladies on this beach and I liked it.” -Venmo John
“Cheers to you being a bitch again, David, because I’m sure it’s going to happen.” -Jordan
“I now know what pillow lips are and I appreciate them.” -Krystal
“A woman that has a child doesn’t really bother me at all, like I love moms and moms usually love me.” -Nick
“Colton why are we pulling girls that aren’t named Tia? That’s not Tia, that’s Kendall, Colton. It’s absolutely ridiculous.” -Jordan
“Colton showing up is Chris’s personal Vietnam. So we got Chris here and his helmet is kinda loose and it’s not strapped in and all of a sudden you hear this, you know apache just (helicopter noises) and here comes f**king Captain America with a shield just coming at him and there’s rice flying everywhere and it’s like (rice noises)” -Jordan
“He’s getting sloppy segundos.” -Nick
This show is a gift. It’ll be back next Monday AND Tuesday nights because Becca chose Garrett so ABC owes us. If you need another Bachelor fix before then, check out our new Instagram profile where it’s all Bachelor memes, all the time.
What a time to be alive.
Let’s talk about how much we love Jordan in the comments.