Week three of Becca’s journey to find
social media sponsors love on The Bachelorette gave us six men with manicures, 4,000 Tinder matches, one 90’s pop star, two medical emergencies, and enough motivation to stay married forever to last a lifetime.
Putting the Man in Manicure
At this point in the season the men have been locked in the mansion without access to internet or outside entertainment for three weeks. It’s like camping but with more pomade. I guess that’s why the six men chosen for the group date were thrilled to board a party bus that needed to have it’s shocks checked for a day of pampering. Unfortunately for them, they were the ones who would be pampering Becca and some of her thirsty girlfriends from last season of The Bachelor. The men donned matching white shirts that made them look like they had joined a cult
they basically have and stood in a line while Becca introduced them. Well, all of them except Jason, because she couldn’t remember his name.
Tia is Still a Thing
I can say with completely certainty that none of these men will be the one Becca chooses in the end, simply because no sane woman let’s her future ex-husband rub all over her half-naked friends. But also because no sane woman gets engaged to a man who dated her friend a few months prior like Colton did. Apparently Colton slid into Tia’s DM’s back before Becca stole her spot as the Bachelorette. They exchanged flirty messages, met up for a weekend and kissed before he left to go on this season. Becca and Tia are friends from Arie’s season, which would disqualify a lesser man from contention. Is he here for Becca or just for the chance to be humiliated on television? But Colton is a former NFL draft with the body of a greek god who had access to protein powder so he ended up with the group date rose.
Never Change, Jordan
While Becca was off pretending to care about
who what Colton did in his free time, David the chicken man started pecking at Jordan the male model. Jordan is low hanging fruit. He’s self-absorbed, walks around in his underwear at cocktail parties and brags about having 4,000 successful Tinder matches in one calendar year. He’s also the best thing to happen to this season. Any intelligent man would know that he’s there solely for our entertainment and isn’t a real threat. But when David isn’t dressing like poultry he’s a venture capitalist, which I’m pretty sure is Silicon Valley code for “he’s a dick” so he can’t let it go. Thankfully, Jordan “talks to God every day and God knows that if (he) has an issue with someone…eighty-six ’em.” I’m pretty sure Jordan’s God is in the mob.
The 1990’s are Back
Becca picked Chris R. for this week’s one-on-one date where they had to get vulnerable about their feelings for one another while writing a song. You know, all of the feelings they’ve developed over the entire ten hours they’ve interacted. But who cares about all of that because 90’s adult contemporary artist, and current husband of Daisy Fuentes, Richard Marx was there to sing the only song any of us actually know of his. I vividly remember playing “Everything I Do” at full volume from a houseboat in the summer of 1991 so this date was my literal jam. Chris R. opened up about his father abandoning him as a child which resulted in him getting the date rose, but all I want was for Richard Marx to give me the phone number for his dermatologist because his skin looked as smooth as one of his songs.
Mama Called the Doctor
Around this point in the episode an ambulance arrived to wheel David the chicken man through a puddle of his own blood to the hospital while Lincoln expressed in a voiceover that he feared David may have died. What the actual Chris Harrison is happening? Did something besides the cast’s chance at a normal life finally die on The Bachelorette? Chris spoke with Becca the next morning to inform her that David was in the ICU with broken bones in his face. Becca exclaimed, “Oh my gosh, who did that to him?” Because, obviously there had to be a fight or something dramatic. To which Chris Harrison replied, “He fell out of the bed and landed on his face.” Jordan’s God really is mobbed up.
This is Why Sports are Bad
Quick pause to give Becca credit for being a good bachelorette. She’s beautiful, easy going but strong, funny, and genuinely seems interested in all the men. I honestly can’t figure out her type which makes her fun to watch, but can she stop with all of the sporting dates? I’m tired. This time they were playing football but other than watching Ryan the banjo player try to get on his pants, this date was really about NFL free agent, Clay breaking his wrist. Yes, the professional athlete broke his wrist to the point of needing surgery while playing football on The Bachelorette. I can’t wait to read his updated wiki page. He earned the date rose but ultimately ended up having to leave the show early in order to have surgery. The episode ended with Becca mourning the end of their relationship and without finishing the rose ceremony.
Next week we’ll get to see the rest of the rose ceremony, but more importantly we’ll get to see how David the chicken man’s face looks after his tragic bunk bed injury. Do you have a front-runner yet this season? What is Becca’s type? Do you think Colton is here for the right reasons? Let’s talk in the comments.
28 bachelors jumping on the bed,
1 fell off and bumped his head.
Becca called the producers and the producers said,
“Can we blame this on the male model? This show is boring as hell with the new drink limit.” #TheBachelorette
— Heidi (@HeidiRochelle) June 12, 2018