During a recent “Unleash the Power Within™®©” event in San Jose I was confronted by audience member Nanine McCool about my thoughts on the #MeToo movement. I may have given the impression that what she said made me mad, mostly due to my spot-on impersonation of a freshly sucker-punched “Rock em Sock em” robot. Some might say I lost my “McCool” (*chuckles*), and appeared to express hostility toward Nanine in specific, and women in general. But I didn’t. Because I’m not even mad.
Let me clarify my position: I’m not knocking #MeToo. I am, however knocking victimhood, the kind of victimhood in which women get angry for being harrassed and go public seeking significance – aka – justice. And that’s bad because significance is a drug. And I don’t want you to be junkies. Anger is not freedom. Suppressing your anger is the real freedom. As you can see, I’m not mad, I’m just here to help you help yourselves by helping me help myself. I’m like Jesus with the lepers, where he healed them because nobody wants to hear about their victimhood. And also because of of the unholy smell.
Speaking of Jesus, remember what he said? Right after “blessed are the money changers,” and before “why give a man a fish when you can charge him three grand a head to teach him how to fish using only pithy psychological jargon”? That’s right, he said “don’t throw stones if you live in a fucking glass house.” So ladies, next time your boss demands to cup your junk in exchange for a raise, think about that company-owned stapler that graces the desk in your home office before you decide pursue significance. You know who you are, Janice.
And truly, being called out on my very significant feelings about #MeToo, doesn’t make me feel attacked at all. In fact, I charged Nanine with my 6′-7″, unnaturally square body to demonstrate how not attacked I feel, and to demonstrate a very important point: pushing back does not make you safe. When #MeToo walks forward, it makes men have to walk back their behavior. Then they get mad push back with whisper campaigns and NDAs. I ask you, does that make you safer?
If they don’t push back, they risk being flattened by women like Nanine – well, not Nanine specifically because she is quite tiny compared to my hulking girth. The problem is that when a lot of women do it, they can push back, and as you can see from the video of me barreling down on this tiny woman like some kind of horrifically super-sized Minecraft villager, I am in a very unsafe position. See, I’m not mad, I just want women to be safe, and sometimes safety means shutting the mouth hole.
I’m also not mad about the fact that women are pushing back against my attitudes about #MeToo. Women are free to think that my effort to discredit the movement by casting doubt on its motives is an effort to discredit the movement by casting doubt on its motives, even though I keep saying that’s not what I’m doing. Let me tell you something, not as a man, but as a sentient pile of LEGO bricks wearing an UNTUCKit button down: women need to “stop being so sensitive™!” I’m not going to apologize for you hearing what I’m saying, and not what I’m telling you I’m saying. You are twisting my words into an accurate assessment of my strategy, which clearly does not make me mad, as you can clearly see by my face:
Some think I should be more careful with my words because I am such an influential man (thank you!), and might turn folks against #MeToo. Laughable! I built a multi-million dollar international corporation based on completely transforming people’s lives and habits with my words, who the heck do you think is going to be influenced by my opinion?!
I’ve heard a few saying that the very rich, very famous, very important client of mine whose hiring dilemma I spoke about is not
me real. I’m here to tell you that he is real, and there are legions like him out there keeping women from positions of power simply because women are fighting against exclusion from positions of power for being women.
Fact: this never happened before #MeToo.
I just wish there were some way to make you, survivors of sexual harassment and assault, understand what it’s like to have your every word and action judged through the lens of your gender. Employees making a federal case about which hotel rooms you choose to have your business meetings in. People reading nefarious things into your clothing choices – labeling a bathrobe as “inappropriate” interview attire, or thinking you are lascivious simply because your personal style leans toward hanging your dick out of your fly (that’s how they wear it in France, btw). Where does it end? My client was stressed – STRESSED – about this – what? Are you quoting Deepak Chopra to me? FUCK CHOPRA! I DO THE WISDOM AROUND HERE, NANINE, FEEL ME?!
I might seem mad, but that vein popping out of my meticulously-honed forehead is actually known as the “compassion vein.” I’m really not scared. Did I say scared? I meant mad. I’m not mad. I’m just passionate about unlocking your inner power. Except in cases where your inner power conflicts with my freedom from consequence. In that instance, I believe in shoving that power way down into what I like to call the “suckitup lockbox™.”
With that in mind, I invite you all to attend my new seminar series “Unleash Your Power Without Getting TF on My Nerves®.” Geared toward women, this innovative program will provide the key to unlocking your value in the world, but in a way that is non-threatening to the existing power structure. And at the low, low price of $5,000 per ticket It’s a great way to keep me even more not even mad!
*It’s not. Any resemblance between and Tony Robbinses living or dead is purely coincidental.