Imagine my surprise when I noticed some shocking similarities to my special day while catching up on the latest Harry and Meghan Royal Wedding gossip in Town&Country. I know what you’re thinking, but hear me out! Allow me to submit the following evidence.
Exhibit A: Westminster Abby
Obviously, Meghan and I both considered Westminster Abby, but after a good, long think decided…meh a bit drab.
Who wants to get married in that drafty place? We wanted something a little more low-key. I mean it isn’t like we’re royalty. I was shocked when I called up my buddies over at Windsor Castle and was told they were too busy planning some more important event at St. George’s Chapel and could not accommodate my little gathering. I was forced to settle for a small garden wedding here in Memphis, which turned into an indoor wedding when it decided to snow in April. Boo-hoo!
Exhibit B: The Engagement Photos
Um Hello! I spent months carefully cultivating this entirely original hand-on-the-groom’s-face, prominently featuring the engagement ring pose. How could she! Do your own thing Meghan!
Exhibit C: The Flowers
GARDEN ROSES! Seriously?! Get off my lawn Markle!
Exhibit D: The Cake
Lemon elderflower? She just had to one-up my perfectly dreamy lemon-blueberry, white with gold ombre cake with fresh flowers. What even is elderflower? That sounds like something a hummingbird eats. Is she having hummingbirds? Should I have had hummingbirds??
Exhibit E: The Time
There are 24 hours in a day. Harry and Meghan could have picked any one of the other 23, but NOOOOOOO! They chose MY perfectly selected signature time, noon. That’s right! Noon. Because nothing says happily ever like forcing your wedding guests to skip lunch. You’d have to be a royal pain to go with such a time, just like me and apparently Meghan.
I rest my case. They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In that case, I thank you Harry and Meghan for the compliment. I will accept your apology in the form of any crown jewels of your choosing. DM me for address. Best wishes!