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This week we’ve all been faced with a hard decision. We could watch world class athletes compete in death defying sports at the Olympics, or we could watch the mental gymnastics it takes a group of accomplished women to convince themselves they like a mediocre race car driver on The Bachelor. Both require an obscene amount of time sitting in front of a television. Neither require you to change out of the yoga pants you’ve never once exercised in. But only one results in a doomed engagement.
The choice is clear. What’s Bachelor Nation’s anthem, an endless loop of clinking glass and the sound dignity makes when it dies?*
Here’s the state of Bachelor Nation.
On Monday, Arie and
Peter’s fan club his seven remaining girlfriends traveled to Tuscany where he broke up with three of them and chose the four who would take him to their hometowns next week. This happened over three one-on-one dates, one group date, and one defection.
Jacqueline, the PhD candidate, decided that one date with Arie last week was enough for her and called it quits. There was a lot of crying involved, but that was just the Stockholm syndrome talking. The next to get the boot was Seinne, the Yale graduate and only remaining person of color on this season. Arie just wasn’t into her good looks, great personality and Ivy League educated mind. Some girls have all the luck. Finally, after Becca K. (brunette, they kiss a lot) and Lauren B. (blonde, an animated sack of flour) got date roses, it came down to Southern girl Tia, taxidermy enthusiast Kendall, and runaway Bekah M. for the final two hometown date slots. Tia threw Bekah under the bus about not being ready to get married so Arie and his dopey face sent 22 year-old Bekah M. to the pot farm. Next time call your mom, Bekah.
Now that Arie has the most random final four of all time, Tia, Becca K., Kendall, and Lauren B. will have to duke it out for his love. Fortunately for Lauren B. Arie already told her that he’s falling in love with her. That’s great, super happy for them; but, could someone please tell me why? Is it her lack of discernible personality? Perhaps it’s her inability to make conversation in virtually any scenario? Or maybe he thinks she’s Bachelor Ben Higgin’s ex-fiance Lauren B. (yes, there’s two of them) and figured, “Hey, that worked out okay last time.” I don’t know, but I’m fairly certain that when Arie says he likes strong opinionated women, he was lying.
Lauren B.: Says 5 words all season. #thebachelor
— Heidi (@HeidiRochelle) February 13, 2018
Just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore of this season, the Bachelor Winter Games premiered Tuesday night with a fresh infusion of international eye candy. My faith in this great nation is restored. Bachelor Winter Games is like when you watch Olympic Curling and you think to yourself, “I could totally do that.” Except they trade out the Canadian couple wearing bowling shirts for a couple dozen hot and single millenials.
Over the course of five episodes throughout the next two weeks, a group of American Bachelor contestants will compete with a group of international Bachelor contestants (Australia, Britain, Finland, New Zealand, Japan, Sweden, Germany, Canada, even China) in winter sports and for
air time love. TAKE ALL MY DVR SPACE.
Bachelor Winter Games opened by introducing the cast in a parade complete with samurai, Canadian mounties, and Viking mascots. It was as cringey as it sounds, but not as cringey as watching the men and women compete in the world’s saddest winter biathlon. Sometime between one of the New Zealand women “bruising her bum bone” and Luke Pell showing the full power of a West Point education via his paintball gun skills, I questioned everything I’ve done in my life that led to me watching 6 hours of this every week.
It ends up that the contestants will be voting each episode for the person they think is there for the wrong reasons. The men and women with the most votes go home. I’m still not sure how they decide how many of each go home, but this episode three women and two men were kicked out. They’re just making this up as they go, aren’t they? The biggest surprise of the episode is how desirable Clare Crawley still is despite being eligible for the Bachelor equivalent of AARP at 36 years-old. The least surprising was that it’s almost all white people left after episode one.
What did you think of Winter Games? Are you as obsessed as I am? What does Arie see in Lauren B.? Is Bekah M. lost on a pot farm right now? Let’s talk in the comments.
*I wrote this joke before I heard the actual Bachelor anthem on Winter Games. It was worse than I could have ever imagined. I was moved to tears, but not in a good way. Please enjoy.