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Merry Christmas! Did you hear we can finally say that again? Thank goodness, because I’ve been saying Berry Titsmas to the Salvation Army jingler for too damn long.
I love the holidays (lights! treats! Scotch tape!), and I love to buy presents for people. I’m what my shrink calls “a people pleaser,” so that means I overbuy for everyone at Christmas. I want to make sure all y’all are happy and that everyone gets what they want. The way to guarantee that is by giving them options. You didn’t want that fur oil for your pubic hair? Well, how about this water bottle with a crystal in it? It enhances your psychic abilities and it’s dishwasher-safe.
However, my wallet just said, “Hold up, girl.” Some visits to the puppy ER and pointing up (aka fixing brick) on my front steps have made me a little less liquid than usual. I need to scale it back in 2017.
Real Simple magazine asked readers for ideas on how to make the most of your holidays, and one reader in particular had a great idea. To simplify the holidays, in her family, everyone gets four gifts:
Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read.
I love it. We are doing it in my house this year, and Ruby, age 8, is semi-psyched about it “as long as I can get a few extra things I want.” Fine. And if you are like me and not going to benefit from the tax cut (scam) hurtling through Congress, you should try it, too.
Dearest Santa, here is my Christmas list…
Battleship, Hasbro, $14.99. I loved playing this when I was little. I think I will still love playing it now that I’m big.
Champagne Coupes, Crate & Barrel, $10.95. Bubbles out of glass that looks like a boob.
Old Books Candle, Etsy, $18. “Amy! What is that amazing scent?” “The Sound and the Fury.”
Avocado huggers, Uncommon Goods, $7.95. I’m a middling pescatarian and eat a ton of avocados. Avocados deserve to be hugged, and they are too $$$ to let go bad. Plus, these things look like vaginas.
Tata Harper Illuminating Moisturizer, Sephora, $85. I got a sample of this a few months back, and it has gold dust or something in it. I looked fresh and bright with minimal coverage.
Babolat Pure Drive, Midwest Sports, $219. I’m an old lady with a bad shoulder. My current Pure Drive is older than the hills. Plus, this one is way prettier.
Reebok oversized sweatshirt, Nordstrom, $70. The girl in the picture isn’t wearing this sweatshirt with leggings. I will defintiely wear it with leggings. The color is called “Shell pink” which is the basic bish Pantone color of the year.
Crushed velvet socks, Nordstrom, $13. I work from home, spending a large amount of time in socks, no shoes. I need to up my sock game with some plush glam.
adidas Women’s Pharrell NY Colorblock Dress, Tennis Express, $103.99. I’ve been lusting after this since it debuted at the 2017 U.S. Open. This one hits three categories: NEED. WANT. WEAR.
These three books appear on plenty of “Best of 2017” lists. Not a single one of these authors will show you their dick.
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