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The human body is amazing. The things it can do are wondrous. Some people—not me—think the human body was made in God’s own image. People and Ed Sheeran have written poems and songs about the body. Some dudes even post tributes to the human form on Instagram, especially if that form is female and curvy.
The human body is also effing disgusting.
Pus. Poop. Cysts. Ingrown hairs. Buttholes. Fistulas. Piles. Halitosis.
If you want a complete list, quit what you are doing, take the MCAT, and apply to Yale Medical School.
Since my pre-existing conditions are well-documented with my insurance company, I’m fine listing/outing a few here. I have terrible near-sighted vision. I have severe asthma. I have horrible seasonal allergies. My left shoulder hurts from sewing and tennis. My left knee hurts from running. My left achilles tendon has separated from its sheath (see also running). I have eczema, and don’t get me started on my brain organ.
Since spring, I have consistently been getting these cyst/stye things on my upper right eyelid. Imagine a pea growing underneath the skin, without a head you could burst. Painful and unsatisfying. During a recent vacation, my body decided to mess with me once again and one of these stye-thingies (medical term) re-appeared just as I was landing in Charleston. My eyelid was as hot and swollen as Trey Gowdy’s face.
Good thing I was on a beach vacation, so I could cover my nasty-ass eye with aviators, but the second I got back, I went to see my ophthalmologist. She said the stye-thingy was going to be a chronic problem. I had plugged oil ducts and I could go on doxy for a month (In summer? Hell. No.)
But basically this could be a reoccurring issue, and to avoid it I would need to massage my eyelid daily with a warm compress, get lots of sleep, and eat foods high in fatty acids like seafood and avocados.
Me: Did you just prescribe avocado?
Me: You are recommending I eat more avocado. You are telling me to eat avocado toast.
Her: Sure, Amy. Eat as much avocado toast as you want.
Me: Will you write that down?
Her: It was nice seeing you, Amy.
I was annoyed when that rich Australian guy made headlines a few months back, telling Millennials that they couldn’t afford housing because they were eating too much avocado toast. Millennials get a bad rap for stupid shit, and as a Gen Xer, let me dump the sad state of the USA at the feet of the generations where it belongs: the Greatest Generation and their progeny, the Boomers.
Avocados are good for you. Avocados taste amazing. Avocados can help your eye health. Come on, Millenials! You didn’t cause the mortgage crisis or increase the cost of college tuition! Eat that avocado toast!
I have good health insurance (eat me, Mitch McConnell!) but the Stop n’ Shop doesn’t need a co-pay. My antibiotic eye ointment is $15 a month, but my avocado? $2 for five!
Is avocado basic? Is air basic? Are Tweezerman tweezers basic? Who cares?! What would you rather look at? My inflamed eye or some smooshed up green fruit flesh? Trust me, it’s the latter.
nigella was eating avocado on toast for breakfast, getting distracted by her phone + obsessively photographing her food in 2007, bow down pic.twitter.com/9cM9xmm9Aj
— anna (@himalanna) August 2, 2017
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