There’s just one ridiculously drawn out problem; this show is never ending. I mean, sure I technically have time to waste 4 hours watching half-naked millenials serial date on the coast of Mexico each week, but that doesn’t mean I won’t complain about it. Did you hear what I just said? Four. Hours.
Before we hop into the world’s best argument in favor of vaccinating, I have to set expectations. I am too lazy to recap four hours of my childbirthing experience let alone of this show. So, utilizing the depths of my Bachelor knowledge to it’s full potential, I’ve come up with a list of moments we can expect from the season. Each week, I’ll
make fun of nominate my favorite scenes from those category and you’ll be thankful you didn’t have to watch it. It’s a real symbiotic relationship we have here.
That moment when you can’t stop laughing
courtesy of abc
Robby Hayes, the self-described “Social Media Influencer” (aka unemployed model) was runner-up on JoJo’s season of The Bachelorette, but he’s never been runner-up when it comes to his looks. That is until he showed up with his hair shellacked to the side of his head like his mom licked her hand and sealed it down on his way to cub scouts. Raven may have made out with him in the ocean on their date, but she also came up with the best drinking game in Bachelor in Paradise history when she said, “I’m gonna drink every time Robby brushes his hair.” We’d all be dead.
It took me a minute but I finally figured out where I’d seen that hair before.
— Heidi (@HeidiRochelle) August 15, 2017
Honorable Mention: When Amanda said, “I already have two kids, I don’t need another little person following me around needing attention,” about Alex the mini-marine from JoJo’s season.
That moment when you believe in love again
courtesy of abc
Remember last season when Carly friend zoned Evan so he faked his own death and then she fell in love with him in a Mexican hospital? Well they’re still in love and getting married! Like getting married right now on Bachelor in Paradise with an audience of past Bachelor contestants and the topless artist from one of their dates last season. They love each other so much that now I love them too. It was all just so happy and goofy and wonderful. Plus, Carly is pregnant so take that, Kirk the physical trainer who dumped in her season two.
Honorable Mention: When (poor man’s Jim Krasinski) Derek was working hard to impress (still annoying) Taylor by building a “manly” bonfire.
That moment when you need to fan yourself
courtesy of abc
This category is for those moments when the chemistry is so hot you need a moment to cool yourself down. There’s only one problem, there was absolutely nothing hot about this episode. It does give me a good excuse to post a picture of the hottest man on this show so far though. Heeeeey, Diggy.
That moment when you throw the remote at the tv
courtesy of abc
Everyone remembers the horrifying sexual misconduct allegations that shut down production of Bachelor in Paradise earlier this season. If you were hoping for some sort of understanding of what went down between Corinne and DeMario you didn’t get it this week. Instead Chris Harrison walked barefoot on the beach explaining the “scandal” in hushed tones while soft music played. By explaining I mean downplaying.
Monday night’s episode showed Corinne and DeMario’s interactions leading up to the event which were mostly just flirting/drinking and then skipped past anything involved in the allegations to when production was shut down. Then Tuesday night’s episode opened several weeks later with the cast (minus Demario and Corinne) gathered back in Paradise. As we now know, the allegations were dismissed with no wrong doing found by ABC/Warner Brothers.
What happened next was a
scripted conversation led by Chris Harrison about consent (good), slut shaming (bad), and whether or not they think the allegations were racially based (yes). It was like when your RA called a dorm meeting. For the most part the cast supported DeMario and turned on Corinne. They held a meaningless vote to see if they should keep filming and then everyone went back to normal like nothing ever happened. I can’t decide if the whole scandal was a publicity stunt, a cover-up or they just milked the situation. Regardless, it wasn’t awesome.
That moment when you consider signing up for this show
— Wells Adams (@WellsAdams) August 15, 2017
Pour one out for everyone’s favorite bartender, because Jorge is leaving the show to start a company called -wait for it- “Jorge’s Tour-ges.” I have no idea if that’s a real thing, but it should be. There was no time to mourn his exit though, because they had a new bartender, Wells! Wells is good for two things; looking at and laughing at his one-liners. What more could you want from a man?
Honorable Mention: Dean’s face.
That moment when you’d never sign up for this show
Last season Amanda found
temporary love and a temporary fiancé with Josh Murray the “winner” of Andi’s season. He was best known for molesting his pizza as he ate it and sweating profusely. When Amanda walked into Paradise, my husband who “wasn’t watching” threw his hands up in disgust. How many times are you going to put yourself through this, Amanda? Watching her return the engagement ring to Chris Harrison before she could walk into the resort was cringe inducing. Seeing her run away from that slice of pizza in the intro was pretty great though.
Honorable Mention: Matt and Jasmine in the hot tub is why my dad put an “out of order sign” on ours throughout my high school years.
Next week we’ll find which of the men will go home and who will be added to the cast. Hopefully we remember Nazis are bad again before then. What did you guys think of BIP? Which couples do you like? Who would you date if you were on the show? Let’s talk in the comments!