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I want to be the kind of person who is known for the things that they love. Almost every conversation I have with folks contains at least one superlative about some thing or another that I’m totally into that week. I am EASY to buy presents for. I like Harry Potter and Tolkien and Jane Austen and romance novels and Twilight and Image Comics and Star Wars and Captain Marvel and Madewell, the color gray and cute puppies. I like a lot of things, and I talk about them on twitter and here all the time.
I’m annoyed with a few things, and you’re gonna hear about it.
Were we not all taught this one was a giant no-no around the dinner table when we were six? Because lately, some folks (Are and Eff) think it’s perfectly ok to post horrible WordSwag instagram graphics* about how they are “at the beach, getting paid” or how they are “getting that free Lexus” and I gotta say … you rude as hell.
Newsflash, deluded idealists. EVERYONE who doesn’t punch a clock at a brick and mortar, EVERYONE who uses email or Evernote or Dropbox or Slack, EVERYONE who doesn’t wear a lanyard to their job, works at the beach. We all get paid while relaxing because everyone is hustling these days. The difference is that those of us who aren’t trying to swindle our acquaintances into also being annoying on social media so we can get more money aren’t TALKING ABOUT IT in public spaces. It’s just you MLMers. And it’s super gross.
You: LOOK WHAT MY MLM PAID FOR: THIS SANDALS RESORT! And I only have to go to 6 hours of weird industry keynotes a day to enjoy it! AND YOU CAN TOOOOOOO (except you aren’t right now NEENER!)
Every other person alive: *pics from their vacation*
No one in any other industry talks about how much money they are making. No one in any other field talks about all the things they are paying for because they work “from home.” Because it’s rude. It’s tacky. It’s uncouth.
And the Dowager Disapproves.
*Negative space: none of you know what it is, how to use it, or that it even exists. Your “graphics” are painful. Do they have a regimen for fixing how cross-eyed I get trying to scroll past your Before and After Tarantula Eye Diptics? No? Too bad. I’d recurring-monthly-pay-through-the-nose for that shit.
I love my shoulders. I’ve always considered them one of my favorite parts of my body. I wore a strapless wedding gown to show my entire pectoral girdle to its fullest advantage.
Howthefuckever, shoulders are not particularly sexy. Especially when you cannot see any of the adjoining body parts, like the collarbones, the décolletage, the upper arms. Peek-a-boo shoulders are like some weird bizarro world edition of 80s villainess pointy shoulder pads, and I hate them.
Taylor Tells It Like It Is.
Plus, you look COLD. Despite the fact that no heat escapes from the tips of your shoulders, you look like you could use a shawl or a perfect light summer sweater. If you are hot enough to bare skin, you are hot enough to just wear something sleeveless and let your armpits air out. This look is total NONSENSE.
No thank you, TNT. We do NOT need Will.
We already have Shakespeare in Love, and that movie is perfect. We also have A Knight’s Tale and that movie is worth watching on a Saturday afternoon between 1 and 4 before you have anything better to do. You can thank Paul Bettany and Heath Ledger for it, and you can thank that horrible dance scene and Jocelyn’s super aught’s colored crimping for why it’s unacceptable any other time.
So … we never needed the CW’s Reign, and we certainly don’t need TNT’s new show “about Shakespeare” … Will. Historical accuracy is already fraught with drama. You don’t have to make up flashy costumes, and ridiculous storylines (Shakespeare would not be seriously worried about being caught out as Catholic) to have a good show. We don’t need to see groundlings in pink dreads to get history. Stop the madness.
Ben is Done.
And so am I.
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