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Can you believe that we’re half way through 2017? So much has happened within these past six months. The world came together in one of the biggest rallies, an accountant and Warren Beatty made the Oscars fun again even if it was unintentionally, we’re all probably going to have to learn to speak Russian, and we finally have a female superhero movie that kicked ass.
And yet, this year still had more than a few dumper fires. We have a president who thinks “checks and balances” is just the name of a defunct boyband, terrorism and Islamophobia continues to be prevalent in our world, and Tom Cruise still makes movies. Seriously, I’d rather watch an actual mummy on a live cam for two hours than see Tom Cruise in The Mummy reboot.
My thoughts exactly.
Earlier this year in an effort to start 2017 on a clean slate, I begged the universe to stop certain trends that regrettably became a reality in the previous year. Some have ceased – I have yet to see anyone using a turkey baster as a way to apply foundation. Others have unfortunately not – as I write this in my local Starbucks, there is someone standing on her chair, bent over her table and taking a picture of what I am going to assume is her almond milk chai tea latte and bran muffin. Good luck in an hour when that breakfast finally settles. You gonna take a photo of that?!
But like a gray hair, when you remove one trend, five more come to its funeral. So as we said “Bye, Felicia” to bottle flipping and “Damn, Daniel,” what trends filled the void? Here’s just some more trends that need to stop today if not yesterday.
Whoa, Ed Sheeran fans whose Google alert dinged, led them to this post, and are about to attack me with acoustic guitar picks. I don’t mind Ed Sheeran and his music…to a point.
What sets my teeth on edge is the incessant playing of Ed Sheeran music every hour of the day. Go ahead and put on Pandora, Sirius XM, your local radio station, or anything that plays music. At some point all you will hear within a 15 minute period “Shape of You,” “Photograph,” “Castle on the Hill,” “Thinking Out Loud,” or “Don’t.”
I have no problem when stations play Ed Sheeran – he is a talented musician and songwriter. But when you play him multiple times in an hour, that’s another just as talented musician who is not getting much needed air time.
It’s time we took a much needed cease fire from Ed.
You have no doubt seen the pictures of lash enhancing products that promise divine miracles for the lash impaired. A “before” image of lashes that we would call “normal” – protecting the eyes from dust or dirt.
And then there’s the “after”- lashes that apparently will protect your eyes from falling meteors and basketball sized hail. You know, everyday occurrences.
First of all, putting a product on your eyelashes that embodies the phrase “The higher the hair, the closer to God” is probably not something safe and will later make your eyes fall out. Second, having lashes that look like spiders are crawling up your forehead isn’t beautiful – it’s disturbing.
And third, for those companies who are promoting these lash enhancing products as a way to entice the opposite sex, let’s get something clear: straight men love various aspects of the female form (see boobs and butts). However, I have yet to meet one man who finds eyelashes to be the sexiest part of a woman. In fact, if a man ever says to you, “I love your inhumanly extended eyelashes,” run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.
He’s most likely going to try to peel your face off and wear it as a mask.
All I’m going to say is you don’t have ADHD or anxiety. You have Annoying AF. The cure: throw away your fidget spinner.
*I am not dismissing the need of certain resources to help people deal with actual ADHD and anxiety. However, when that resource causes those around you to wish that spinner would spin itself off a cliff, then there’s a problem.
Just like over-stylized food posts, Instagram makeup tutorials have infiltrated your feed and recommendations.
They all follow the same format: a person in her or his late teens or early twenties, showing you what they looked like before (y’know – human), using so many products with a heavy hand that they probably blow through a bottle of foundation in two days, stopping occasionally to make a duck face, and all accompanied by music you would find in an iTunes music search under “Music that makes me feel old.”
The final result: people who look like a drag queen or your grandma when she’s had one too many wine spritzers and went countering and highlighting crazy at a Mary Kay party.
Now don’t get me wrong: there are many beautiful drag queens and if that is your definition of beautiful, go for it. But many of these tutorials are beyond achievable and definitely not for everyday unless you have three hours to spare in the morning and don’t mind using paint remover on your face.
Here’s what I want to see: a person trying to achieve the perfect winged liner but fails miserably like the rest of us and ends up with a broken blood vessel in the corner of the eye because of all the wiping.
That’s true beauty.
Dear television networks, I know you’re suffering. Streaming services like Netflix and Amazon Prime are successfully invading on your territory. But do you know what’s not a solution?
Rebooting classic movies for broadcast television.
I, like many other good hearted Americans, want to meet the creative team who pitched to ABC the idea of remaking Dirty Dancing, adding asinine storylines and completely changing the ending – and punch them in the throat. I think I would get the Nobel Peace Prize for that.
Here’s a novel idea – now keep up with me if you can: if you want to show new audiences these classic films, perhaps you should show the original.
But if there is anything rewarding about watching these reboots, it’s the reactions on Twitter:
— Genesa Camacho (@camacho_gen) May 25, 2017
Please put baby in the corner. Turn off the lights. Close the door. And never look back. #DirtyDancing
— Reese (@NY2Pgh) May 25, 2017
— Stacey Renee (@StaceofBase20) May 25, 2017
Even we at That’s Normal got sucked into this catastrophe and raged in 140 characters or less.
— Tiffany Renee (@iamtgar) May 25, 2017
— Julie Nicole (@julep0405) May 25, 2017
On second thought, don’t ever stop rebooting classics. The reactions give me life.