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I‘m no meterologist, but I’m fairly certain the technical term for how hot it has been in California is “hot as balls.” It’s so hot that I’ve lost power to my house five times in the last two days. (Only one of those power outages was due to my misuse of the toaster oven I’ve owned since before Justin Bieber hit puberty, but the nachos were worth it.) Honestly, how do people live without consistent access to electricity? I mean, at one point I had to entertain my children without the help of wifi. It’s basically medieval times around here.
One of the power outages coincided with Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette so I did what any 32 year-old woman would do and drove across town to my parent’s house to watch. This involved being served ice cream on the couch while being admonished by my mom to “not to be so dirty” in these recaps, so never underestimate my dedication to you all.
Tensions were on the rise for Rachel and her band of never’ll-be-married men. Lucky for us, week four gave us a blimp ride, a push-up contest, a spelling bee, and some casual racism from this season’s villain. Here are the top moments from The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Before Game 5 of the NBA Finals so rudely interrupted our regularly scheduled viewing of The Bachelorette, the previous episode ended with aspiring country singer/man with a racist social media history, Lee smirking while Eric exploded with frustration. General Lee (spread that nickname like wildfire) is that one guy you dated back when you had self-esteem issues. He sits there with his Johnny Bravo hair and a drink in his hand making you feel like you’re losing your mind while he plays the perfect gentleman in front of your parents, or in this case Rachel. No self-respecting adult likes that guy and neither should you. Lee antagonized Eric and then he turned his attention on Kenny, both of whom kept their cool much longer than I would have in the same situation. Teen heart throb Dean pointed out that Lee only ever seems to have a problem with people he “isn’t used to seeing on a daily basis from a cultural perspective.” By that he meant black people. Go home, Lee, the Confederacy lost.
While Lee was picking fights with anyone in possession of a skin tone darker than a Kardashian fresh from a spray tan, Brady the male model, was trying to keep the peace. According to Brady, everyone comes from a different background with their “own little, weird, quarks.” Yes, quarks, as in elementary particles found particle physics. Jack, the attorney, was quick to correct him saying that the word he’s looking for is “cork,” as in the thing that stops up the bottle of liquor they’ve all been drinking too much of. I’m fairly certain they meant to say quirk, but I lost too many brain cells when Dean stopped Brady by saying quarks are “anatomical.”
While the men continued to argue throughout the mansion, Rachel was feeling the pressure of being the first black Bachelorette. Just like Rachel told her producer in her tearful interview, I won’t ever understand all of the pressure that she is under. In all honesty, there really isn’t any perfect way for her to be The Bachelorette. If she accuses someone of racism she’ll be the “angry black woman.” If she ignores the rumors and keeps that person around she’ll be the “sell-out.” There is no situation for her to please everyone. She was completely overwhelmed by all of the expectations that come with her position and just wanted the night to be over. I can relate, but can I get that name of that mascara she’s wearing? It did not run at all during all of her crying.
In the end, the rose ceremony came down to a nail biter. Would the producers really let her keep someone like Lee on her show knowing what he really is? One by one the roses were handed out to more worthy suitors. Kenny and Eric were saved much to the dismay of Lee but she still hadn’t slayed the Grand Dragon. Finally, it was the last rose of the night, we know that because Chris Harrison made his contractually obligated appearance to tell us so. Rachel lifted it, looked at the men…and said General Lee’s name. Just like that, he’s safe for another week.
With square face Bryce, super cute Diggy, and quarky Brady sent home, Rachel and the remaining 15 men left the mansion for Hilton Head, South Carolina. Rachel kicked things off quickly with the first one-on-one date going to Dean. Let me tell you a little something about Dean: he’s the youngest man in the house at 25, but he also possesses a face worthy of being iron transferred onto your pillow case at sleep away camp. Between his piercing eyes, dimples, perfect teeth, and surprisingly tight shorts he looks like he jumped straight off the pages of Teen Vogue magazine. Dean and Rachel fulfilled one of her childhood dreams of riding in the Good Year blimp. It also completely terrified Dean due to his fear of heights. Yet, somehow between the champagne, making out with Rachel, and giving all of us a mega crush, he got through it.
At dinner that evening, Dean told Rachel about the devastating loss of his mother from breast cancer when he was 15. If you didn’t tear up when he relived asking his mom when she was coming home and her replying, “Never,” you’re dead inside. Rachel gave him the date rose, because she isn’t a complete idiot, and then led him out of the room where she had a surprise for him. Technically speaking the surprise was a Russell Dickerson concert, but really the surprise was how well both of them pretended to have any idea who Russell Dickerson was. With lyrics like, “I was a boat stuck in a bottle that never got to touch the sea,” the last surprise is that I didn’t fast forward this scene.
The next day Rachel took 13 of her friend’s future sloppy seconds on a group date. Alex, Anthony, Peter, Bryan, Jonathan, Adam, Matt, Kenny, Lee, Iggy, Eric, Will and Josiah, took a yacht ride which was really just an excuse to see the men without their shirts on. They engaged in typical genital measuring tactics like push-up contests and dance-offs, but it ultimately culminated in a rap battle. Kenny did his thing, but it was my boyfriend Peter (Sorry, for cheating on you a little with Dean, Peter, but have you heard his sad backstory?) that outdid himself. Peter rapped in his pink polo shirt with his gray flecked hair with a rhyme that used the words heart and fart sincerely. My love is unconditional, but I’m still embarrassed on his behalf.
Since a regular old rap battle isn’t good enough for The Bachelorette, the next part of the massive group date was a spelling bee. You should have seen how terrified the men were at the idea of having to spell marginally challenging words like “coitus” or “squirt” in front of a live audience. Of course, the best part of this date wasn’t that they would embarrass themselves with sub par spelling skills, but that they were forced to wear giant name tags. Can we make that a thing from now on? It was super helpful.
The competition progressed at varying degrees of humiliation until Josiah won by spelling the word “polyamorous” correctly. This resulted in some major showboating. Josiah comes across as larger than life. He likes to be the center of attention (as shown by his decision to drink whiskey from his spelling bee trophy) but I don’t think he’s being serious. I honestly think he has one of those personalities that just rub some people the wrong way. I can’t help but like him. Iggy, on the other hand, did not. When Rachel finally had a chance to sit down with each of the men at the after party that night, Iggy used his time to talk about Josiah. Honestly, if a man used his date time to talk to me about another man I’d just assume that I was getting brother husbands. Rachel, on the other hand, seemed annoyed, but the best part was that Iggy went straight to Josiah and told him what he had said. This led Josiah to accusing Iggy of shooting steroids into his testicles. Is that a thing?
While Iggy and Josiah’s fight wound down, Rachel kept slogging through her harem of men. Despite his terrible rapping skills, Rachel and Peter continued to build on their relationship. They even discussed whether they would be willing to move from their respective homes for love. It ends up that Rachel is already licensed to practice in Wisconsin so I need to schedule some time to try on bridesmaid gowns for my Bachelorette Wedding Special viewing party.
Just as we were coasting on the high of Peter and Rachel’s burgeoning love, General Lee had to go and ruin everything again. This time he ran to Rachel to tell her that Kenny was being “aggressive” towards him. In other words playing into the violent black man stereotype with an almost gleeful approach to the whole thing. For some reason it seems like Rachel believed Lee’s side of the story more than Kenny’s which was devastating. Lee is a gross human being, while Kenny appears to be a wonderful single father with good intentions. Please don’t let him be the fall guy for more racist nonsense on this show. The more Kenny realized that he was being thrown under the proverbial bus, the more angry he got. I nearly stood up and cheered when the episode ended with him calling Lee outside after referring to him as an “alternative facts based piece of garbage,” but it was really hot outside so I just nodded emphatically from my couch.
Next week we’ll get two nights of The Bachelorette starting Monday and ending Tuesday if we can make it through that many hours. Honestly, if Lee doesn’t get kicked off soon, I’m out. Just kidding, I can’t quit The Bachelorette. My love is eternal, just like their nondisclosure agreements. The previews show Kenny with a bleeding eye and General Lee being a jerk but talking about being a Christian. Sounds like America.
I’ve updated my complete guesswork of a final four to include Dean. Not because I think he’ll win, but because I need him to be the next Bachelor and he has the best chance of doing so if he makes the final four. Then again, if Dean becomes the next Bachelor I’ll probably have to get a fake ID with a younger birth date and abandon my family. I may have to rework this next week.
What did you think of this week’s episode of The Bachelorette? Is Rachel really going to keep Lee instead of Kenny? Are you as obsessed with Dean as I am? What do you think of the news that Bachelor in Paradise is coming back this summer after all? Let’s talk in the comments!
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