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Last year, I lamented over my issues with Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Since then, I have rewatched the film, even the extended version, and I’m no damn closer to figuring out all those plot holes or getting over my disgust of seeing snot running down Jesse Eisenberg’s nose. But each rewatch does get me a little excited. Why?
Because Wonder Woman is finally here.
The Amazonian princess warrior is hitting the big screens and reminding you that although Dawn of Justice may have sucked your soul, it did open the door for a female lead superhero movie.
Do you remember the last time we had a woman cast as a lead in a comic book adaptation? 2005’s Elektra. You read that right. Twelve years ago. Don’t remember Elektra? Most likely neither does Jennifer Garner. We’ve had an entire collection of Avengers films – fifteen to be exact. How many of them are female driven? Zero. Sure, there’s Black Widow but she still has yet to have her own series – a fact that SNL famously lampooned.
In fact, Marvel isn’t coming out with a female driven superhero film until 2019, with Brie Larson in Captain Marvel. Whoa. Two whole years. Let me tamp down the excitement.
So, Wonder Woman, we have been waiting for you.
Why wait for a man dressed as a large bat or one donning a cape and over-gelled hair to save the day when you can kick ass yourself?
Sure, your FitBit can keep track of how many steps you
pretend to take – don’t act like you’ve never jogged in place while sitting on your couch – and your Apple Watch can send your sexts to your wrists, but can they bring an entire army of overly testosteroned men to their knees? Do you have a breastplate that perfectly holds up your tatas when engaging in hand-to-hand combat?
Of all the Justice League, Wonder Woman has the best weapons. I refuse to call them “accessories.” Do we call Aquaman’s trident and Batman’s utility belt “accessories,” as if you could find them in the superhero themed section at Charming Charlie?
And not one of them has a lasso of truth, which is the most horrifying weapon because I’ve been 28 years old for the past nine years.
I’m 37. Dammit.
You’re the most powerful woman on the planet and beyond. Destroyed creatures ten times your size. Even survived a television reboot dumpster fire.
Clearly, you’re not going to be listening to Harry Styles while you kick someone’s ass.
Listening to Wonder Woman’s theme makes you want to yield a shield, jump in your invisible plane (Please Jesus, let that be introduced in this reboot), and make someone feel your wrath. Of course, you’re horribly out of shape and even the idea of running makes you asthmatic, but the song makes you at least want to try.
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