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The past week in social media has been intense. Depending on whom you’ve deleted from your news feeds, you’re either scared you’re witnessing the end of the free world as we know it or that 3.3 million women marched because they hate you personally. No one is having fun anymore. (Except crowd scientists; they seem to be living their best lives.)
There is only one thing that we can all agree on. One speck of light in a dark abyss. We are one nation, indivisible, with group dates and roses for some. The Bachelor is back.
Here are the top moments with gif reactions from Nick’s fourth week on his journey to find “true love” and definitely not a modeling contract. (#AlternativeFacts)
Picking up where we left off last week, Nick and his girlfriends are still at one of those pool parties where no one swims for fear of smudging their spray tans. If you’ll remember, Vanessa is taking him to task for letting Corinne ride him in the bounce house like one of those coin operated rocking horses outside the 99 cent store. He reassured her to the best of his ability and she believed him, because really, what else is she going to do? Meanwhile all of the other women are sitting around talking about Corinne behind her back while she sleeps off what I can only assume was a pitcher of margaritas upstairs.
The pool party led directly into the missing rose ceremony so all of the women scatter to shower off the Hawaiian Tropic. Sarah and Taylor decided that would be a good time to confront Corinne about her attitude to which the 24 year-old with a nanny who cuts her vegetables for her said “I’m not privileged in any way shape or form.” I wish I was that unprivileged.
Danielle M. continued the Corinne bashing saying, “I’m just confused if he is looking for a woman or a girl.” Well, Danielle M. the answer to that is both because he’s dating 17 women. In the end, Nick sent Christen and Brittany home which meant Corinne lived to give a longwinded toast that made me rewind to see if any of the other women sneaked strychnine into her drink.
Now that Nick is down to a reasonable 15 girlfriends, Chris Harrison put on his travel agent blazer and announced that they were about to partake on the first leg of a “journey around the globe.” The ladies’ eyes widened while they considered the possibilities. Where would they headed? Rome? Tahiti? New Zealand? Nope, they’re headed to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, because life is full of disappointments.
Travel days on The Bachelor can only mean one thing: a video montage of the women in an airport. Usually I scroll through Twitter during these things, but this time we got a glimpse of Alexis the aspiring dolphin trainer dressed like she had just survived an actual trip around the globe instead of a 4 hour flight from the domestic terminal at LAX. She looked like me at 6pm on a Thursday when my kids have almost buried me alive in laundry and pizza crusts. It was glorious.
While Alexis untangled the travel pillow from her neck, Nick met up with his parents for a quick chat. Now usually I’d take this time to make fun of the way his mom cried almost the entire conversation, but the woman birthed 11 children and I know what those hormones are like so she gets a pass.
Speaking of which, for a couple who has raised 11 children Nick’s parents look good. So good that I want whatever they’re taking. It has to be prescription. Nick’s mom voiced her concern that she worried that Nick had been single for too long to know what being happy is.
Nick greeted his women on the banks of what I assume is Lake Michigan, but I’m not positive because I paid more attention to the Babysitter’s Club book hidden under my desk than I did to geography. After awkwardly hugging as many of them as he could reach he whisked Danielle L. off for the first date of the week. Danielle L. is undeniably beautiful, this date taught us that she is also sweet, sincere, and utterly too good for this show. Nick took her on a tour of his nearby hometown, Waukesha.
They strolled the streets of downtown, stopped to eat a cookie decorated with a frightening replica of Nick’s face, decorated their own and then ran into one of Nick’s ex-girlfriends. Now when I say “ran into” I mean faked surprise at the prearranged meeting. Danielle acted a bit awkward about the whole thing but she’s currently living with 14 of his girlfriends so you think she’d be used to it. Since that wasn’t bad enough they then visited a meadow where Nick implied that he lost his virginity. He sure knows how to charm a woman.
Later that night they had dinner where Danielle L. told Nick about how her parent’s divorce has shaped her view on love. Then Nick stared adoringly into her
cleavage eyes and offered her the date rose. She said yes, obvs, and then they walked into an auditorium where Chris Lane performed in front of a live audience while they slow danced and made out on a platform. I missed most of this because I was frantically researching the name of the singer since Nick’s introduction of him was mumbled by the marbles he clearly hauls around in his mouth like a chipmunk.
While Nick was romancing Danielle L. with his entire dating history, the group date arrived for everyone except Raven. See how easy that was to say? Unlike the date card which listed all 13 names like the Social Security Administration’s census of births from 1991. Rachel, Alexis, Whitney, Jasmine, Jaimi, Sarah, Whitney, Kristina, Astrid, Taylor, Justine, Danielle M. and everyone’s favorite person with no privilege Corinne met up with Nick on a dairy farm. There they petted some calves, forked hay, and laughed at Nick’s inability to work a cow’s teat. Jaimi, the resident bisexual, was predictably great at milking cows. You can always count on The Bachelor to pick the obvious joke.
While most of the women were pretending to have fun like the “cool girl” in Gone Girl, Corinne was not having it. She faked it to the best of her ability, but when they started shoveling literal sh*t she was done. In her defense, she doesn’t “know how to do chores” because even her nanny Raquel is too good for farm chores. In this case, her own words are better than any joke I could make.
This is where things get tricky. I don’t like Corinne. No one likes Corinne. She’s spoiled, abrasive and self-absorbed. But when she stuck her hands out and asked “why?” before complaining that all she wants to do is eat sushi, I realized that I may actually be Corinne. Replace that sushi with a taco and those cows with my kids and I’m one glass of wine away from napping through a date.
That night the girls rinsed the manure out from under the fingernails before joining Nick at the usual after party. At this point in the show it becomes more obvious who Nick is connecting with and who is just going to be fodder for exit interviews. He spent some time building on the foundation he has with my girl Vanessa who gave him a book (about her) that her special education students had made for him. Then he stroked Rachel’s arm while encouraging him that everything she is feeling is normal. After that he had a conversation with Kristina which was surprisingly fullof chemistry. Kristina was adopted from Russia in her pre-teen years so her slight accent mesmerized Nick while she told him a little bit about her past. It worked because she got the coveted date rose later that evening.
Before she received the rose, Kristina’s conversation with Nick gave her the boost of confidence she needed to confront Corinne about her behavior. It quickly became a pile on with everyone expounding on how inconsiderate Corinne is. All Corinne took away from the conversation is that the women were haters because she took a nap. She brushed away their complaints by saying that Michael Jordan and Abraham Lincoln took naps so why can’t she? I mean, I don’t know what history books she’s reading, but I can’t definitively say she’s wrong.
The next day Nick picked up the aptly named dark-haired Raven for a family oriented date at his littlest sister Bella’s soccer game. She fielded balls with preteens and compliments from Nick’s dad about her southern accent. The G-rated fun wasn’t over because next on the itinerary was a trip to the local skating rink where Nick wore skates while Raven chose roller blades. When I was 13 that would have meant a lot about their social ranking. Raven answered a few questions from Bella (yes she likes big families and kids) while Nick skated by with arms spread in the background. Then Raven and Nick made out on the rink while “Kiss Me” by Sixpence None the Richer. Whomever set up this date must have seen my vision board from 10th grade.
That night Raven slipped into something decidedly less comfortable and more see through for their dinner. Nick asked her about her last relationship so Raven told him all about walking in on her ex cheating on her. Of course, she did so by utilizing the word “mid-thrust” and admitting that she knows what the other woman’s vagina looks like. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she then went on to giggle while she told him how she threw her ex to the floor and beat him over the head with the other woman’s stiletto. Domestic violence is so hilarious.
Much to Raven’s relief, Nick assured her that he has never cheated on any of his partners. It’s like they both forgot he is currently dating 13 of her friends plus Corinne. This show. Nick gave her the date rose and Raven confessed in her interview that she’s falling in love with him.
Finally our week in Milwaukee came to a close with one final cocktail party. Danielle L. made everyone mad when she “stole” Nick away first but the real drama was between Taylor and Corinne. Corinne is tired of being talked about but, more significantly, she’s tired of being looked down on.
Josephine helped rile Corinne up over a plate of fondu (I think? It was a dip of some sort.) which proved why no one ever eats on this show. They both spoke with their mouths so full that they were nearly as indecipherable as ol’ mumbly mouth, Nick. After her evening snack she took Taylor outside and they lit into one another while the other women looked on. The episode ended just after Corinne announced that she wanted to punch Taylor in the face.
You must have been very good boys and girls this year, because it would appear that next week will gift us with the much anticipated two-on-one date featuring Taylor and Corinne. It’s everything we’ve been waiting for. Two will embark on a date with Nick but only one will survive. I fully expect Corinne to be left behind on a paddle board in the middle of the Indian Ocean or something.
My top picks are the same this week as last week because they haven’t given us anything new other than Corinne’s take on Abraham Lincoln’s nap schedule. I maybe would have switched out Danielle M. with Raven based on this episode but I’m tired and don’t feel like scrolling through their cast pictures again. Sorry, not sorry.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Do you find yourself relating to Corinne or hating her? When is she finally going to go home? Let’s talk in the comments!
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