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Many of you may not know this but I’m part Italian, and proud of it. Not proud enough to be sad that many states no longer recognize Columbus Day because you can’t discover a country when there’s people already inhabiting the land. But other than that, I love my Italian culture: the food, the time-honored traditions, the AMC marathon of The Godfather trilogy.
And my love for all things Italian rose to an unearthly height when I saw this cover of L’Uomo Vogue:
In this month’s issue of the Italian Men’s Vogue edition, Jamie Dornan returns to his modeling roots, and I return to my internet stalking/salivating/texting photos to friends along with emojis of raised hands and eggplants.
Let’s just start with the cover: a bearded Jamie Dornan, frolicking in the snow, with a dog. All that’s missing is Jamie in a Santa’s hat and carrying a D**k in a Box, and entry#436, entitled “Stuck in a Love Blizzard,” in Julie’s Erotic Dream Journal, Vol. 5 would have been complete. Thank God for Photoshop.
And rather than stop there, I selflessly
ogled researched the other photos for your Dornan pleasure. It was a daunting task, but someone had to do it.
Sure, this backdrop looks eerily like your high school winter ball theme, “Snowflakes Under the Moonlight.” But if he was your date, you definitely would have closed that Holy Ghost distance, encouraged him to put his hands on your ass during the slow dance to SWV’s “Weak,” and let him get to second base with some over the dress action.
Okay, there’s parts of this photo that I can do without:
And yet, because I am a glass-is-half-full-of-rose kinda gal, there’s so much right with this photo that I can somewhat – because the amount of bracelets are an almost hard pass for me – forgive the previous transgressions:
Thank you, Italian Vogue. Jamie Dornan’s right nipple never gets enough attention. You’re doing the Lord’s work.
Also, is it me, or does he look like a hipster Crocodile Dundee? Someone just got a new idea for her erotic dream journal.
Poet shirt? √
Elizabethan ruffle collar? √
What the hell is the theme of this photoshoot?! A community theater production of MacBeth? A sequel to Into the Woods? Sleeping Beauty’s Prince Phillip cosplay? A dress rehearsal for Medieval Times? His much needed return to Once Upon a Time? Please say yes to any of these possibilities.
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