Well, that depends on your definition of “new.” This particular episode aired like a year ago, so I think you can add timeliness to Blurtlander’s many skills. And look, we know these are late in coming. WE GET IT. But we’ve had a super busy year, and when we get an hour or two alone together we do what hot 30-something marrieds do … we watch the past two episodes of Amy Schumer and John Oliver. Can I be real a second for just a millisecond? Blurt has physically worked more hours this year than he ever has (promotions are BALLS, y’all), and I’m very proud of him. But enough about that!
Blurtlander was watching a documentary on the Smithsonian Channel about Sasquatches when I asked him to watch the next episode of Outlander. He was not super into changing the channel. SASQUATCHES!
Things My Husband Says During Outlander:
Episode 113 – The Watch
If, like Blurt, you have no idea what is going to happen in this episode, it starts with Jamie at the end of a pistol. The Watch has come to Lallybroch.
What’s Past is Prologue
Oh god. I need to go get a drink.
I have no idea what will happen in this show. Except she’s trying to get back to Captain Neg Dune.
Oh yeah, I remember liking his sister. She’s funny.
Did his sister sell them out?
Thought they were brother and sister? Not cousins.
Idk WTF is going on.
Liked him some Jenny’s rabbit stew … I bet he did.
Those are some dusty f***ing onions.
They don’t even run them under some water, dunk ’em in some vinegar first?
Is everybody a pirate in this show?
Was there something tucked up under her shirt?
She’s PREGNANT? Oh.
Wouldn’t it be weird to have more than one family member named Jamie? This is a bad plan.
Taran/Ian: speaking French
Him: What are they saying?
Claire: Never be taken alive.
Him: Thank you, Sassecack.
Taran: I’ll tell you about it later if you’re interested.
Him: Is he saying he wants to f*** her?
Me: He’s talking Jamie …
Him: He wants to f*** him?
Me: … about joining The Watch.
What is the Jacobites?
That piece of sh*t is gonna light their hay on fire.
His sun dried tomato face is scarier than that gun.
He’s gonna kill all of them? F*** YEAH JAMIE.
Idk why this Scottish Danny Ocean guy is not trying to kill Jamie.
WHO IS THAT … he looks like Viggo Mortensen … a better version.
“Tom-faced Scots”?? WTF does that mean? Is that like an insult?
Who are they robbing? Other Scottish people?
Blurt Has Seen Two Actual Babies Being Born IRL
She gone die.
This baby turning is probably some witchery they didn’t do back then.
I think I just saw her boob.
She’s gonna kill that baby trying to turn it.
#1 Solution to All Outlander Problems
Well now he looks like Zach Galifinakis.
Jamie better just f***ing kill him.
Just kill him.
It’s not like you couldn’t do a murder back then and cover it up.
No one would know. No one even knows this Irish asshole.
It’s not like his girlfriend is gonna file a missing persons report. DO THIS MURDER.
Does Jamie even HAVE any money? They’ve been talking about being hard up.
Birthing Room Talk
Jenny: That’s what they want sometimes … they want to come back.
Him: da fuq???
Reach inside? FUuuuuuUuCUUuuuck no. Get some forceps.
Claire probably knows things that are going to happen. She could bet on them.
Oh, does Jamie know about the future stuff? Where have I been?
He can go have sex with somebody else and have a baby if he wants one. They did that shit back then right?
Secret Murder Meetings
Wish he’d thought of it instead of me telling him.
That little bag? Does that have about 12 nickels in it?
It’s a scrotum.
Can he just shoot him right TF there?
Hell yeah! That’s Achin’ right there. Clay Aiken. Old Crippy Pants.
He just spit on him and kicked him.
And then took his money.
Does the crippy get new legs in hell?
Taran: Why’d you kill him?
Him: He tried to touch my weiner.
That guys’ gonna be like: You did the right thing.
Does Jamie know the Chisholms?
It’s gonna be the British troops.
Yep, called that. Hadn’t even seen it.
I guess Jenny died.
Oh, no she didn’t.
Why is her belly so big still? Is she having twins?
I don’t remember yours being THAT big after. Remember? It just turned into that creepy jello mold.
*makes squishy sounds*
Good thing Claire was there. That rickety 15th century midwife would probably have killed her.
Damn, Jenny is already walking around!
Beth, you weren’t doing too much walking.
Three days. And she’s already wearing a f***ing corset.
The only thing you were wearing was that hospital donut.
Look Jamie’s a pirate too now! OH MAN.
He goes through the rest of these books WITHOUT A LEG? For real?
Who chopped Jamie’s leg off!????!
Wait. That’s not Jamie. Whose leg is gone?
IAN? Oh, did he have a fake leg? I forgot.
THERE YOU HAVE IT, YALL. You asked, and you received. Hope it wasn’t too terribly disappointing. Good news is: Blurtlander has ALREADY watched the next episode, The Search, and he loved it about as much as we did. You will be getting that post very soon. And then WENTWORTH and the ABBEY! He HAS NO IDEAAAA.
If you love Blurtlander (i.e. if he’s the only reason you are following us on Facebook), then you will REALLY love Hangoutlander … THIS MONDAY night at 10pmEST/7PST. You can RSVP at this link and get a nice little reminder right before we go live, or you can follow us on Twitter and we will tweet out the link on YouTube minutes before we start.
This week, we will be joined by the ladies from Outlander Podcast, so it’s sure to be a crazy time. AND BLURT ALMOST ALWAYS shows up. One week, he was pantless. It’s a fun time. SEE BLURT IN THE FLESH … SOMETIMES TOO MUCH FLESH is our new Hangoutlander tag line. I’m really trying to sell you Blurt fans on Hangoutlader here, how is it working???? SEE YOU MONDAY. YOU AND BLURT. LIVE.