Of course, the point of the video isn’t to explode ovaries (which is not a phrase I even understand, still even today with my mild interest in men with babies, which 100% didn’t exist before Henry Cavill existed in my life). The point of this video is to get you to enter the Omaze contest and donate $$$ to their charities. “Their” meaning the Bat Man, Superman, and Lex Luthor (who that one kid is a fan of given that he really prefers the bad guys… you tell ’em, kid! #Loki4ever)
I’ve donated to Omaze’s things before… something about meeting Mark Ruffalo and another about being a walk-on in a scene with Ian Smoulderholder. You know, the things that matter most. So, it’s basically impossible for me to not throw down $10 for the chance to not just meet Henry Cavill, but to ride in a helicopter with him–presumably over Los Angeles, but hell, if I get to choose the location, we will be doing it over Jersey and the northern coast of France.
So, now that I’ve entered, obviously I’m planning out what I will do once I win. Because since I’ve never won before (literally I never win anything! Not even things that I don’t want!), clearly it is my time. Clearly this will be my moment. Henry awaits me in his helicopter.
If you were like me and tuned out all but Henry, the other prizes in said package include:
- Photo with Ben Affleck (possibly the stupidest option ever; like can Ben Affleck even bother to care? I guess not)
- Photobombing with Jesse Eisenberg on the Batman vs Superman red carpet (oh, I stand corrected… THIS is the stupidest option ever)
- I am assuming but haven’t read the fine print that you also get flown to LA, put up in a hotel, driven to/from airport and hotel to engagements, and get to see the actual movie at the premiere
- Ride in Batmobile (guessing you don’t actually get to drive it, which is dumb; what’s the point otherwise? It’s not like me and Batman aren’t already on terms…I live in Gotham for godsakes!)
Please Don’t Enter, Just Donate
The point is, you shouldn’t enter because that makes my odds of winning crappier, but you should donate to the causes. Like adopting one of Henry’s bats named Ben…
Okay, that’s said so my karma’s all set. Now, let’s get into the nitty gritty of what will be going down when I win this random drawing!!!
Get Picked Up In Style
This is how imagine Henry picking me up. Clearly I’m standing on the jutting piece of land in Malibu where Stark Mansion stood until the Iron Man 3 film when it was destroyed. So, you know, just imagine me in that spot, in a wedding dress, as Natalie Portman. This should not be really hard for you guys to imagine; it’s super easy for me to…
Because let’s be honest, why else is a helicopter involved unless you’re filming a European fragrance advert? Case and point:
Still not convinced this is basically Win A Date With Tad Hamilton in real life? Keep reading.
Henry Will Have Beer For Us
Fuck Tom Hiddleston and his tea drinking habits whilst in helicopters. This relationship with Henry is not that.
Henry likes beer.
I like beer.
We fucking love beer.
So we’re going to drink it while flying over the Santa Monica Mountains and onward to Santa Cruz Island. Last I checked, Henry isn’t the Cavill brother who can fly a helicopter, and I only fly planes (and not legally), so there’s no reason either of us would be piloting. Don’t drink and fly, etc.
Heads up, Henry: I like IPAs, west coast style. If you buy me Goose Island (aka AB owns it now) or Lagunitas thinking that’s “good enough,” I will automatically judge you and the ride will be spent with me being infuriatingly sarcastic with you and repeatedly calling it “my dry British humour.” You will feel like you’re on a date on the Bachelor. So, for both of our sakes, buy me some good fucking IPAs. You’re too hot for me to waste any time being an asshole.
You, of course, can drink whatever beer you want. I assume you’re not Tom Hiddleston and you drink real beer. Just an assumption, based on your ass compared to his. I could totally be wrong.
Hiking on Santa Cruz Island
Clearly the helicopter will drop us off on Sta Cruz Island, I’ll change into real clothes and not that ridiculous Dior wedding dress, and we will go for an adventurously great hike on the island, down the ocean, where we will drink our beers and go swimming. Like right here:
Looks familiar, like that pic of Jersey I posted above… or like Henry in Gibraltar…
Before you haters are all, “Dude, they closed those trails because people kept falling off the cliffs.” I’m gonna be there with SUPERMAN. He’s not gonna let me die. Dude can fly. I mean, that’s the whole point of the helicopter ride with him. Sheesh.
I’m not sure what else will happen on this part of the experience, but I do know: What happens on Santa Cruz Island, stays on Santa Cruz Island.
But First, We Hardcore Makeout
Essentially my first thought of me and Henry in this helicopter situation is that we will be living out Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt from Parks and Rec in the cab at the disastrous unity quilt engagement party, hardcore making out. Henry has the $100 to pay the pilot for this. I have faith in that. Apparently though I shouldn’t have faith in tumblr, since it did not produce the cab makeout gif I expected to find. Enjoy this instead:
Handling The “And A Friend” Clause
So, that’s about as far as I got with this plan, to be honest. I’m sure Henry and I can sort through the rest. Important to note is that part of the contest prize is that you win all of these things for yourself and a friend. I realize all of you want me to bring you, because you are DYING to photobomb celebrities on the red carpet with Jesse, but unfortunately I work first come first serve when my husband absolutely cannot be involved (this definitely qualifies for that rule). Jamie W. is my lucky first here, sending me the video. So, I’ve already pulled in some favors and gotten her one true love (other than Tom Hiddleston) to clear his schedule for the day. Henry and him are BFFs after all!
This is just for fun, because I love Jamie W. so much that she won’t be coming on the helicopter with me…
The best is when Armie keeps pushing the “the longer you play, the harder it gets,” and Henry is all, “Yeah, I kind of get it, but actually it doesn’t really make sense no matter what you’re referring to.” God, I love Henry so much.
After Sta Cruz Island We Meet Up With Jamie and Armie
Obviously Henry and Armie are “better together” for comedic timing, and we all know Jamie and I are better together when handling beautiful men. Clearly the helicopter will drop Henry and me off for a quick shower; we did just hike and swim in the Pacific, then we’ll take henry’s “in-town” Ferrari to meet-up with Jamie and Armie (this is alternate reality, so if you’re allowing me my offramp with Henry, you need to allow Armie his offramp with Jamie, okay? Okay!).
What happens next is yet to be written…