Strap on your thigh dirks and hitch up your loin girdle … Outlander Season 2 will be here before you know it. Or at least, before the next blood moon eclipse … we think.
And with that new season will come all new things for fans to get up in arms about. Remember when the show was going to premiere in the SPRING of 2014? Hahahahaha. That was a good time. No one was AT ALL upset.
And in the spirit of fans overreacting about Things That Don’t Matter So Much, we’ve decided to start pre-empting their ire and just pre-gaming the meltdowns now.
My Top 10 Upcoming Fandom Meltdowns Outlander Season 2
1. The Costumes
Already season 2 costumes have caused quite the stir because pictures are considered spoilers by some, and inconsiderate of art by others. Hokay. But Countess De Terry shut most of that pique down by crying, “Uncle” … so what costume drama could I possibly be looking forward to?
Are you kidding me? Fans LOVE to be pissed about what they are wearing. It was almost a weekly ritual of the online episodic post-mortem. The biggest WTF moments from the fandom in season one were related to costumes. Or did you forget the One Ring to Rue Them All? And the pearls too while we are reminiscing.
So, I’m hoping those shiny David Bowie pleather pants that Jamie has been spotted in cause a few Barbs to throw some barbs. Can’t wait.
2. Major Deviations from Dragonfly in Amber
Newsflash: this season is not subtitled, Dragonfly in Amber. It’s just still … Outlander. And Ron D. Moore has time and again intimated (and flat out declared) that this season has been a lot more difficult to adapt as the book doesn’t follow a linear storyline and its major conflict arcs don’t fit neatly packaged like they did in season one.
What does that mean for book purist fans? APOPLEXY LEVEL PIQUE. There will be characters left out, characters added in, major scenes completely re-worked, major scenes missing altogether. Now of course, I’m speculating, but I’m pretty sure that you aren’t going to get Fiona bothering Roger in the bath. And that may not bother you, but how will you feel if THE duel isn’t fought over what Jamie stumbles on in the brothel but something else altogether? MmmmHmmmm. Lower your expectations, purists. I mean, DON’T. RAGE when the time comes. RAGE AWAY.
3. Jamie’s Slut of a French Ex
Speaking of major deviations, welcome the new Laoghaire! Except, yanno … with a French accent and a perfect face and gorgeous costumes and a secret history with your favorite Scottish hero … a history he probably doesn’t disclose to his jealous wife. And OH YEAH … she’s none percent part of the books. So just get your disgruntled fingers ready to type phrases like “superfluous conflict” and “unnecessary love triangle drama” and “ratings grab” and “TROPE TRAMP.” You are gonna get a lot of mileage out of that last one.
4. The Episode Diana Wrote
… because let’s face it, she needs a challenge. Lady DianaG has been busy for two decades making novel writing look easy, so isn’t it about time that she had to really work for it? Let’s see her try to break it down to stage directions and quips. SCRUTINIZE YOUR WATCHES.
My predictions are at 9:05pm there will be fans tweeting that this is THE GREATEST OUTLANDER EPISODE OF ALL TIME. ONLY 5 MINUTES IN AND I’VE CLIMAXED TWICE.
Because … Herself.
5. Jamie’s Weave
If this was a wish list of things I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT FOR then Jamie’s new weave would be A Number One. We are taking this one personally, as in: we are considering ourselves personally responsible for the awesomeness and continuity of Jamie’s season 2 hair. You’re welcome, fandom (and Sam).
6. The sexual assaults
By my book recollection, I count at least four plus a couple of dubious consents. I might be a bit off as it’s been awhile since I read. But I can’t wait for the literal drama that will ensue.
Lights up on a legit critic’s review of Outlander, mid-season 2.
Actual Paid TV Critic: Damn, how many episodes do we have to watch while some dude gets rapey in this show?
Fan #1: (enters comment section with ultimate pique) Maybe you should READ THE BOOK, HACK!
Helicopter Fan: (enters comment replies calmly but with haughty undertones) Critics don’t have to read books; you are making the fandom look petty, please stop for all our sakes. Donate your pique to Charity:Water. If you don’t, we may never get another season ever.
Fan #3: God, I wish these fans would keep telling us HOW TO FEEL. If I want to tell someone their review looks like something Jamie watched Le Roi drop in his upholstered privy bench, then I can do it because INTERNET.
Fan #4: Go away, trool.
Fan #1: What’s a trool?
Internet-Unsavvy Fan: Pardon me, but shouldn’t this critic check his sources before he writes this review <g>? Sexual assault was very prevalent during this time frame, and Herself has _told_ us _many_ times the purpose of _that_ particular scene, and it isn’t gratuitous sex or titillation.
Fan #4: tl;dr
No Original Opinion Fan: This is the most perfect show that ever was. How can anyone call themselves a fan OR a critic and not see and appreciate the WONDER and AWE and CREATIVITY and DIAPER BABY PERFECTION of the entire production?? Even the food guy is the greatest food guy that ever put out donuts.
Actual Paid TV Critic: (aside) And THAT’s how you bank roll your click rate.
7. Fans taking Sam’s future inane twitter talk too seriously
Bonus Pique: You don’t even have to wait for the new season to see this one in action. It happens nearly every day.
GET THEE TO COSTCO FOR THE BULK ORDER, SHIP TO GLASGOW ASAP WITH NIPPLE CLAMPS. PRETEND TO ACTUALLY BE CAPABLE OF CHOKING DOWN TAPIOCA BOBA FROM NOW ON ALL THE TIME. ONE DAY SLEEP WITH SAM.
FIRE UP THE HELICOPTER FANDOM POLICE TO DOXX THE OUTLANDER CZECH INSTAGRAM SO IN THEIR PUBLIC MORTIFICATION THEY LOSE THEIR LIVELIHOODS AND NO LONGER HAVE THE ABILITY TO CATCH THE TRAIN OR OWN IPHONES. ONE DAY SLEEP WITH SAM.
You know. Normal reactions to tweets.
8. Will They Or Won’t They: Roger and Bree
I’m sorry, did you think I meant the basic WILL THEY/WONT THEY drama of “will they be in season 2 or won’t they?” As if.
I mean Roger and Bree … whoever they are … whatever angels are out there who were destined to be cast in these life-changing and perfectly suited roles … will they or won’t they …. TOTALLY DO IT?!?! All Praise the Brand New Shipper Drama.
9. That one filler episode
… entitled The Search Goes On … and on and on. Murtagh and Claire and Buton join a French Troupe of Ballerinas from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic in a Star Search competition that Mother Hildegarde likes to watch on Tuesday nights. Jamie isn’t in the episode as he’s patching things up with Annalise.
Everyone’s gonna LOVE it.
10. A whole new season of Hangoutlander
Because if there is one thing that Outlander fans love to hate … it’s our opinions. PIQUE CHALLENGE: ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.
What are your favorite Pique Challenge Moments in the Outlander fandom? What do you think will cause the biggest kerfluffle in season 2? Can we all agree that Boba Tea is TEAsgusting?