That’s right: it’s Sam Heughan.
If you look closely, “World’s Greatest Mom” was scratched out.
Although it won’t be until 2016 until Outlander season 2 premieres, the king of Scotland Now/Selfies/Polls/Fake Gingers has been busy filming new episodes, accepting fan favorite honors, tweeting Ricky Gervais, and prepping for my version of porn for women: My Peak Challenge 2. But earlier this week, Sam revealed his next project.
He is lending his Scottish brogue for Fiery Trial.
Yep: Sam is joining the ranks of Hot Dudes Reading, and he’s getting paid for it.
The eighth novella from the Tales from the Shadowhunter Academy may seem a strange departure for Jamie Fraser. He’s already filmed the indie When the Starlight Ends, playing what looks like to be Dazed and Confused’s Wooderson having a mid-life crisis; and earlier this month it was announced that he would star in the romantic drama, Oxford, a storyline that clearly was the master plan of Nicholas Sparks, John Green, and Jojo Moyes in an effort to make you feel all the feels. But this next venture? Okay, time to be honest: how many Outlander fans are going to buy the audiobook and have no idea about the Mortal Instruments series? (I, for one, am raising my hand. Don’t judge.)
But this had me thinking: What other works could use the Sam Heughan articulated touch? Which written word would Sam make me not only turn the page, but have literary afterglow by the last page?
So, as we wait to be verbally seduced by Sam, here’s a small list of my books that need to be Heughan’d.
Pat the Bunny
I can imagine many of you are seeing this and thinking, “What the hell? Where’s the making out in the rain, bodice-ripping, loins on fire book for Sam to read?”
Yes, Pat the Bunny, the famous touch and feel book that is a staple in many nurseries, may seem like an odd choice. But take a deeper look at the directions and imagine Sam whispering into your ear:
“Judy can pat the bunny. Now YOU pat the bunny.”
“Judy can feel Daddy’s scratchy face. Now YOU feel Daddy’s scratchy face.”
This could possibly be the closest you get to experience foreplay with Sam Heughan. A recording of him reading Pat the Bunny becomes a win-win for everyone: your children have someone new reading to them, and you get Sam Heughan asking you to call him “Daddy” and to feel his scratchy face.
Don’t even get me started on the play peek-a-boo section.
He’s Just Not That Into You
The 2004 New York Times bestseller was a staple on many single ladies’ bookshelves and became a survival guide to navigate the treacherous waters of the dating scene. The book became an instantaneous sensation and was hailed for it’s blunt advice and honest examination into how a man’s mind works.
It should have worked for every single woman. It didn’t.
But what if Sam, in his soft Scottish drawl, told you that when a man tells you that he’s leaving the country for five weeks and won’t be able to call, message, FaceTime, Tweet, or even send a telegraph to you during that time, he’s just not into you? Chances are you would listen.
Here are just some of the pearls of wisdom that Sam would tell you:
“I believe in love the verb, not the noun.”
“Hey, Hot Stuff, Can’t wait till you get over that guy you were with. He sounds like a real jerk. Hope it’s soon. You’re way too tasty to be alone for too long. Come find me. I’m out here waiting. Your future”
“You already have one asshole. You don’t need another.”
Now, be warned, hearing this from Sam could possibly make you sever all relationships, including the healthy ones where your partner is actually into you. But whatever. It would be worth it just to hear Sam remind me that I have an asshole.
Not really the cover, but a girl can wish.
Okay, this one may be a stretch so stay with me.
For those of you scratching your head and wondering, “Is that a new Scottish band Sam’s listening to that I have to immediately download every single album and go to every single concert in the hopes to see Sam singing and dancing along to?” Calm down. The answer is a big, fat no.
There’s no reason to really put this post in here other than the fact I find him really hot in this photo. Also, that’s a Scottish band.
It’s Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight from Edward Cullen’s perspective. The 264 page manuscript was leaked by ____________________________, ( You get to fill in the blank. Now’s your chance to call out that bitch in high school or that cousin that owes you money.) and the author just felt she couldn’t finish it. As a result, the incomplete novel never received the audiobook touch.
Of course the wisest choice would have Robert Pattinson reassume the role of Edward and remind us that he’s been seventeen for a while. But chances are Rob would pass and do a sequel to Cosmopolis or The Rover.
Enter Sam Heughan.
Okay, technically Edward is not from Scotland. And he’s an over 100 year old vampire forever frozen as a seventeen year old. But at the age of 35, Sam played a 22 year old virgin who touched a boob for the first time on his wedding night. I think he could pull this one off.
That’s his version of “Be Safe.”
But if that doesn’t convince you, get ready for how deep the nerd runs in my veins: Edward’s actual last name is Masen, not Cullen. It’s origin is (drum roll, please) Scottish.
That’s right, there’s a high probability that Edward is a Scottish vampire. Okay, technically, he’s a Scottish-American vampire but for this, it works.
Plus, when Sam takes off his shirt during his workouts, that’s not sweat. He’s sparkling.
Jamie’s Greatest Hits
When it was announced that Outlander would be coming to life on Starz, many fans (including us at That’s Normal) voiced their hopes for what would be included in the first season. Some of our favorite moments made the seamless jump from page to television screens: Claire setting Jamie’s arm for the first time, the wedding night, and – let’s not forget – “I mean to make ye call me ‘master.’”
And then some never saw the light of day.
Well, Outlander book lovers, here’s your chance. Rather than Sam read every single sentence, including Claire’s lines (Uh, no.), why not have the man who helped bring Jamie Fraser to life bring him into our ear buds or car speakers?
Think of all those lines that now have a second chance:
“Not at all, Sassenach. They’ll just think I’m waiting my turn.”
“It’s slippery as waterweed.”
(In Gaelic) “He will let you go because he thinks you are helpless. I know you are not.”
“Ye know the fortress I told ye of, the one inside me?….Well, I’ve a lean-to build, at least. And a roof to keep out the rain.”
“I mean to make you sigh as though your heart would break, and scream with the wanting, and at last to cry out in my arms, and I shall know that I’ve served ye well.”
And of course, it never hurts to hear him say this beautifully delivered motto again:
“Je suis prest.”
Sam Heughan, je suis prest for your audiobooks.
Are you ready to hear Sam Heughan read to you? Which books do you think need his narration? Tweet us your suggestions or leave us a message!