Here are the top moments from episodes 5 and 6 with my gif reactions.
Let’s catch up
Last week’s episode ended in a cliffhanger when loveless Clare walked off the set during the rose ceremony. After a pep talk with Chris Harrsion, during which I like to imagine he was twisting her arm off camera like any good stage mom, Clare decided to stay. Oddly, she gave her rose to JJ. I can only assume the producers were violently pointing at the rose and then JJ over and over until she got the hint. He’s such good (Bad? It’s all relative.) TV that they weren’t letting him go anywhere. After JJ was safe, Juelia cluelessly gave her rose to master manipulator Joe which meant meathead Mikey, vest enthusiast Jonathan and here-for-one-date Michael G. were sent home. Now that the extra baggage had been sent packing, two new female cast members were on their way to shake things up. This week the men will be giving out the roses which means the women are on the chopping block.
crazy is as crazy does
Seemingly out of nowhere Dan woke up in Paradise and decided his weeks long relationship with Ashley S. wasn’t working anymore. He sat her down for his ominous defining the relationship talk and she was not happy. Dan, the really good looking, 32 year-old bearded guy who wears his clothes just one size too small, let Ashley S. down as easily as possible but the truth is that she’s just a little off. Ashley, while beautiful, has a unique personality that makes her predisposed to prefer animals and awkward silences filled with empty stares over actual human interaction. She’s the Topanga of Bachelor in Paradise. Honestly though, I wasn’t paying too much attention as Dan was breaking up with her, because I was distracted by the claw clip in her hair. She’s a professional hair stylist who uses claws outside of the privacy of her home. If that’s not crazy I don’t know what is. Suffice it to say that Dan is moving on, but Ashley S. is holding out hope that he’ll change his mind.
She better not hope for too long, because here comes Amber from Chris Soules season. Apparently Amber and Ashley S. were good friends on their season, but Amber skipped all pleasantries and asked Dan out before she could get the lowdown. Dan tried to make sure Ashley understood that he needed to explore his options, but no Dan, she doesn’t understand. Go take your high-waisted pants on your date already.
He and Amber had a good date, but I’m starting to think Dan would have a good time with anyone he went out with. He’s just a passive guy who lets his date take the reigns which meant lots of kissing initiated by Amber. Dan wasn’t complaining, but all I kept wondering is how someone as pretty as he is gets to be 32 with zero game. Meanwhile, Ashley moped around the house talking to the bartender Jorge (who was 10x more perceptive than anyone else in the house), sand crabs and parrots (literally) so I’m sure we’ll see her again on Bachelor in Paradise seasons 3-15 for b-roll’s sake.
Touch and Go
Next in line for their DTR conversation were Carly and Kirk. Carly finally got her first date card this week which she enthusiastically handed to Kirk. Carly the former cruise ship singer is not short on one liners and theatrical reactions. She was my favorite commentator on Chris’ season because she’s hilarious, but the girl has no chill. She comes on hot and heavy and has fully committed to this relationship with Kirk. She clearly has never heard of playing hard to get. Kirk on the other hand wasn’t so sure. When he started surreptitiously mentioning a recently ended relationship in his confessionals I thought for sure that the writing was on the wall for them.
It just goes to show that you should never underestimate the power of positive thinking and excessive availability, because by the end of their dinner date Kirk offered to spring for their own personal fantasy suite. So I guess they defined their relationship in a hotel room and in the hallway oh and up against the hotel room door. I wonder if Carly washed off her eyebrows before she went to bed.
Bachelor Camera operators don’t play
At the end of the last episode, Joe went full creep when he manipulated Juelia into giving him his rose. He made it very clear that he was going to do whatever it took to stay in Paradise until Samantha arrived, but Juelia remained blindly optimistic about their non-relationship. Who is Samantha? Exactly. No really, Chris Soules’ hyena giggle got more airtime than she did on his season. Suffice it to say that Samantha looks like the Russian mail order bride lonely men think they’re talking to from the privacy of their parents’ basement. She’s beautiful, but I’m not sure what else she has to offer. Oh wait, yes I am, she offers up endless drama and awkward hot tub encounters.
Apparently Samantha and Juelia were good friends prior to Paradise, but Samantha simply didn’t care about Juelia’s feelings when she gave Joe her date card. Their date ended up being a photo shoot for People magazine’s “sexy body” issue. The shoot consisted of posing Samantha’s nubile body around Joe so as to hide his less than magazine worthy one. Don’t worry, I subscribe to People like any good gossip monger so I’ll report back.
After basically getting to second base in the shower for the photo shoot Joe and Samantha were acting pretty cozy together. Their relationship completely skipped the DTR stage and went straight to making me feel uncomfortable with their public displays of affection. It didn’t take long for their fellow cast mates to notice that they must have had a relationship prior to filming. In fact, Tanner claimed to have seen screenshots of text messages between Sam and Joe which confirmed their relationship started long before she got to Paradise. Side note: If you ever want info in Paradise Tanner is your man. He’s the Rita Skeeter of Bachelor gossip. Everyone got pretty mad about their prior relationship, because they realized that Joe had played Juelia the week before. They also didn’t like that Joe and Sam were lying about how well they knew each other, so a revolving door of people confronting the couple began.
Joe and Samantha were scrambling to get their story straight from the privacy of his room when the sneaky Bachelor camera operator quietly opened their door and spied on them. This was Bachelor in Paradise at its finest. You just know the camera operator was entirely too proficient at finding his sister’s diary as a kid. Suffice it to say that something is rotten in the state of Denmark and the rest of the cast was not having it. (What? I can quote Shakespeare in a recap of Bachelor in Paradise.)
Joe was confronted by nearly every other person in Paradise about the shady nature of his relationship, but it wasn’t until JJ got home from his date with Megan (new arrival, they went jet skiing, blah blah blah) that things got really interesting. That’s because JJ has made himself the protector of all things honorable in Paradise like some pastel clad knight of the beer pong table while Joe looks like the type of guy who says “‘Merica” unironically. JJ taunted Joe from across the beach house just begging him to get physical so that JJ could expend some of that pent up tension from his non-relationship with Tenley. Then, just as the tension was building the episode ended with the all too expected cliffhanger “to be continued” screen. What do they think they’re doing? Writing the next Hunger Game series? Enough with the cliffhangers.
Next week in “paradise”
Next week we’ll get to see how things end between JJ and Joe and we’ll find out which women go home when the men hand out the roses. They also showed an extended preview of the rest of season and I was totally sucked in again. Between rewinding and pausing my screen to see who the new couples would be and trying to figure out what Jade was crying about I was sold. Never change, Bachelor in Paradise. Never change.
Sorry, After Paradise
Okay, so I’ll be honest, I haven’t watched After Paradise yet. I was super tired and chose to go to sleep instead of watching JJ on the panel with Jason Biggs. I like to think it was like an American Pie remake minus any actual jokes. But hey, I’ve been wrong before.
What do you think is going to happen between JJ and Joe? Is there anyone you’re hoping will show up on paradise soon? Did you watch After Paradise? Tell me in the comments!