Usually, this recap is titled “real quick,” but I was unusually verbose this week. Don’t be a baby like Shawn about it. Here are the top moments from Monday’s episode and my gif reactions.
Ben is lovably clueless
This episode began with Kaitlyn and Ben H.’s individual date. They took a rowboat out to beautiful Innisfallen Island to explore castle ruins and play the aforementioned game of hide-and-seek. I was tempted to hide-and-not-seek my remote because, if I wanted to watch someone playing games I’d just pay more attention to my kids. They sat and discussed what husband/wife material means to them and Ben said something about being attractive and happy (two points for Kaitlyn) while Kaitlyn said it means not giving up when things get tough. Hmm…foreshadow much?
Their date continued back on the mainland next to a fireplace with some whiskey and nothing has ever seemed more Irish. I like to imagine James Joyce sat somewhere similar while writing Ulysses. In this case, no modern literary genius was being birthed, but they did discuss Ben’s fear that he’s unlovable and that seems comparable. (Side note: a great idea when facing one’s fear of rejection is to sign up for a reality tv show and face rejection for a national audience.) Have you seen/heard this guy? If Ben is unlovable there is no hope for anyone and we should all just pack it up and go home. He’s so adorable that he could play Prince Charming in the live-action movie Disney is coming out with. Wait, isn’t ABC a subsidiary of Disney? I see a cross-promotion in our future.
Kaitlyn tells him he’s wrong about being unlovable because she’s falling for him and Ben looks so happy. Ben tells her that the Fantasy Suite doesn’t need to be used for sex and they can just talk all night and Kaitlyn looks so horrified. Then she blurted out the question we were all wondering, “ARE YOU A VIRGIN?” She just lays it out there. Rude, but uh…are you, Ben? Nope, he’s not and suddenly she’s interested in the Fantasy Suite again.
My favorite thing about Ben is that he’s completely clueless about all the drama happening around him. Shawn and Nick may literally murder one another by the end of this season and Ben will still just be standing around looking cute.
It’s a no for joe
While Kaitlyn and Ben were out being cute, the remaining men waited on their tiny hotel suite couch for the next date card. Jealous-type-Ryan-Gosling-lookalike Shawn, talks-with-his-bracelet-laden-
First up was Shawn. Shawn and Kaitlyn have had a rough few weeks. Their initial attraction and chemistry was off the charts, but Shawn’s jealousy has derailed their relationship a bit. During their talk they were both enjoying just being back to normal and not thinking about big life issues so, of course Kailtyn decided right then would be a good time to tell him about her night with Nick. She never got the chance though, because Nick interrupted them for his time with Kaitlyn. Shawn went back to the warm-up bench to sit with Joe who awkwardly told him he had Kailtyn’s lip gloss on his mustache. That’s what’s so bizarrely wonderful about this show. These guys sit around talking about their relationships with men who are simultaneously in a relationship with their girlfriend. Nothing about this is normal unless you live on a fundamentalist Mormon compound. Can you picture Kaitlyn in one of those conservative dresses with the big beehive hairdo? I can and it’s glorious.
After Nick’s turn, Joe was up to the plate wearing his multi-layered outfit featuring a puffy vest that would have made Chris Soules proud. The thing I find most interesting about Joe is that the longer he’s on the show the deeper his eyebrow dimple gets. Joe proceeds to give Kaitlyn the world’s most cringe inducing kiss complete with lip licking and come hither eyes. I was watching through my fingers when he said he could imagine their next 60 years together. Well, he should have been more concerned about their next 60 seconds because that’s when Kaitlyn decided to send him home. Joe was visibly upset and kept asking, “Now what?” but it seemed like he was literally asking what to do next and all of America was like, “Yes! What happens next? How do they get home? Tell us everything!”
Shawn Can’t handle the truth
After Joe was sent packing, Kaitlyn just couldn’t handle the rest of the group date so she sent Nick back to the hotel but asked Shawn to meet up with her later to talk. Shawn was feeling pretty smug about this, but he shouldn’t have because she was about to push everyone one of his jealousy buttons like a preschooler on an elevator.
Let me say this, as a feminist I do not think Kaitlyn owes anyone an explanation of her actions at this point in her relationships; however, as a
voyeur viewer I was sitting on the edge of my seat chanting, “Spill! Spill! Spill!” Spill she did. Kaitlyn told Shawn she had sex with Nick. The woman has metaphorical balls of steel. To his credit, Shawn’s initial reaction was quite mature and accepting. He wants Kaitlyn and he doesn’t care about what it takes to have her in the end. If everyone in the world reacted to being “cheated on”* like Shawn did then we could achieve world peace.
*Utilizing quotation marks because really, it’s not cheating when she’s dating everyone at once and everyone knows it.
Despite his initial maturity, as the news sunk in, Shawn got more and more obsessed about “the other guy.” That’s right, Shawn hates Nick. He seriously can’t stand him. In fact, he hates him so much that he referred to him as “that other guy” for the remainder of the episode like saying his name would conjure him up a la Harry Potter’s Voldemort. I. Loved. This. It was so incredibly petty. Although, as someone who has been a big fan of Shawn thus far, I have to admit that he is rapidly been crossing over from attractively possessive to obsessively possessive and it isn’t cute.
Nice guys never win
It was finally time for the rose ceremony. Kaitlyn arrived in her disco ball of a dress ready to hand out only three roses, but was interrupted by Shawn. Again. He wanted to know why she slept with Nick when she knows how he feels about him. Again. I don’t know Shawn, maybe because she wasn’t thinking about you and Nick has magical seduction skills that can’t be explained. She talked him off the ledge, again, and handed out the rest of the roses. Shawn, Nick and Ben H. will live to see the fantasy suites. Nice guy Jared was sent home.
Jared’s good-bye was sweet and he was a perfect gentleman up to the end. He left the show with a lot of grace and proved his good character. However, all I could think about was the fact that under his name it listed his job as “restaurant manager.” Does that mean Jared has to wear a beard net when he’s in the kitchen? Please say yes. Good-bye Jared, it’s been slightly boring knowing you. I look forward to never hearing another word about you until #BachelorNation tweets a press release about your marriage to a nice girl sometime in the future.
What is your fan-ta-ta-sy
Now that the men have been whittled down to the final three it’s time to have the exotic fantasy dates. I wonder where they’re going to travel to? Spain? Fiji? Nope. They’re staying in Ireland. Once upon a time not long ago, I had the desire to travel to Ireland. In fact, it has always been near the top of my “places to visit” list. Now that this show has been there for approximately 7 years I’ve been cured. What else is there to see in this tiny country? Castles? Check. Cliffs? Check. Pubs? Check. Churches. Check and check. Oh, I know, a prison! The Bachelorette never disappoints.
Kaitlyn’s first fantasy date is Nick. They spend the day hanging out and having a craic with locals at a pub before ending up at an old prison for dinner, because that’s normal. Kaitlyn and Nick have a real connection. Unlike her time with Ben when she’s serious or her time with Shawn when she’s arguing, she and Nick just have normal dates with laughing and lots of kissing. The only rough patch came when Nick tried to talk smack about Shawn and Kaitlyn wasn’t having it. Kaitlyn doesn’t mess around. She says what she wants when she wants. I really admire that about her. At the end of the date Kaitlyn and Nick ended up in the fantasy suite where we got a glimpse of them the morning after. I’ve never been a fan of Nick on either of the seasons he’s been on, but in this breakfast scene they were kinda adorable together with her messy bun and his dislike of Canadian bacon. I don’t know what to do with these new feels.
World’s worst fight club
Meanwhile, back at the crazy farm, Shawn is losing it and since he’s not happy unless he’s knocking on someone’s hotel room door he decides to confront “the other guy.” About what? I’m not really sure. He’s questioning his intentions and generally doesn’t like him, but seriously, it’s not about you Shawn. Calm down. He started yelling at Nick and then the episode ended in the now disappointingly familiar manner of “to be continued.” I’m not sure who would win in a wrestling match between Shawn and Nick, but I’d happily watch to find out.
Scenes from next week
Basically the scenes from next week were of Kaitlyn crying. So, nothing changes. Ever. We should get to see the other two fantasy dates and then find out who the final two will be. Typically the third man to last man to leave the show gets picked to be the Bachelor so it should be exciting to see as long as Nick and Shawn don’t kill each other first.
What do you think Ben is doing during Shawn and Nick’s argument? I like this picturing him talking to birds or something equally obliviously peaceful. Who do you think will be he next Bachelor? Tell me in the comments!