Nene’s bad wigs are a great distraction from the nightmare of folding fitted sheets. (If you do want to learn how to properly fold a fitted sheet, Martha Stewart has got your back. Of course she does.)
If I had to pick a favorite Housewife geography it would be Beverly Hills because these hoochies actually have money. They are living on interest and not on bad payday loans (I’m looking at you Orange County). I want to live in Yolanda Foster’s fridge and get jiggy with it in Lisa Vanderpump’s closet. Dang, I could make some sweet, sweet love with a bearded fellow all over them jewels.
Instead of fresh fruits and veggies, my glass fridge would be filled with seltzer, casseroles, and coffee milk.
Scratch tickets CAN afford you a fabulous lifestyle, Amy.
My least favorite franchise is New Jersey because bad French acrylics make me break out in hives*, and I cannot get the laundry done when I’m doped up on Benadryl.
*This is also why I can’t watch porn.
I used to love the Real Housewives of New York City, circa 2008/2009. I remember the first night I let my daughter cry it out at bedtime, watching RHONY and rocking like a PTSD patient on the couch. I was going to give Ruby 30 minutes before I went in and picked her up, and after 27 minutes, she zonked out. I’ll never forget the joy and relief I felt while looking at Ramona Singer’s crazy eyes.
And before you offer me your “crying it out is awful” advice, let me stop you right there. I had terrible post-partum anxiety, felt totally responsible to nurse my daughter to sleep every night, and was becoming a zombie crazy person. Letting her cry it out worked, and it saved my sanity.
Bethenny Frankel Is My Boo
I watched RHONY for the first two seasons, and Bethenny Frankel was the number one bestest housewife of them all. If I had to pick a Housewife I most relate to, it’s Bethenny.
1) Bethenny is acerbic.
2) Bethenny is damaged, but she owns it.
3) Bethenny acts like she doesn’t care, but trust me, she cares.
4) Bethenny comes from a place of yes.
5) And she takes the other Housewives to task when they are being horrible and stuck-up.
So when Bethenny left the cast after Season 2, I stopped watching. Why? Well, would you keep watching LOST if Sawyer left the show? Would you watch Battlestar Galactica without Kara Thrace? Would you watch SpongeBob SquarePants without Sandy? Hell to the no.
But now that Bethenny has returned to RHONY, I can get back to folding laundry with these queens from the UES. Or the UWS. Or Park Slope or Weehawken. I have no idea what the hottest NYC zip code is at the moment. I’m sure the horrible stockbroker bros will tell me when they invade my lovely Newport this summer. Him: “I work for Brown Brothers Harriman.” Me: “Don’t curr. Buy me a Dark and Stormy.”
Bethenny is back. Bethenny is up here. You are down there.
This season should be amazing because Bethenny does not suffer fools, and RHONY is chock full. Example? Remember Bethenny’s interactions with Kelly Killoren Tyler Madison Isabella Bensimon? Kelly is gone, banished to the land of jelly beans and gummy bears and bad owl jewelry, but I cannot wait to see who Bethenny reads this season. I’m hoping it’s Sonya, who says in the preview that she won’t swallow unless the guy has a Black Card. Puh-lease. You flash a Red Lobster gift card and Sonya is yours. That girl loves cheese biscuits.
Bethenny also gives good soundbite.
I love Bethenny because she doesn’t BS when it comes to friendship. Season 2 was hard to watch. Jill Zarin really went after Bethenny for having the audacity to fall in love and pay less attention to their friendship. Bethenny told Jill to “get a hobby,” and Jill went all Emperor Franz Joseph and declared war. Jill — being completely self-unaware — ratcheted up the drama for drama’s sake as Bethenny truly mourned the loss of a friend. When Jill finally realized she had gone too far, Bethenny stood up for herself and said, “I’m done.” Friendship is not a game, Jill. Sometimes friendship isn’t magic.
Unlike many of the other Houswivese, Bethenny didn’t inherit or marry her money. She made it. We have seen Bethenny run the gamut from shilling her calorie-free cupcakes at the Long Island City Stop n’ Shop to making millions on her Skinnygirl line of cocktails.
Is Skinnygirl Margarita the best drink ever concocoted? No. But you know what? Pour some over ice in a Trevis tumblr, with four dashes of salt, and it ain’t half bad for a beach cocktail. It gives you just enough buzz so you can have fun in the sand but also not drown in the Atlantic.
And one final reason to love Bethenny: She rollerskates. You have not lived until you have rented brown shoes with wheels, skated furiously in one direction to the tunes of Earth, Wind, and Fire, sustaining yourself on orange nacho cheese and fountain drinks. Rollerskating > bowling > alpine skiing.
The Real Housewives of NYC airs on BravoTV every Tuesday at 9 PM.
Do y’all watch RHONY? What are you most excited for this season? Who is your favorite Housewife? Confession time: do y’all know how to fold a fitted sheet?