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Because I’m newly single, I’m planning a wedding. Kidding, I’d do anything for my friend Ali, and it’s a lot more fun to plan a wedding that’s not your own, because it’s basically like having a life size doll to dress up! Who you love and care about! Anyways, we were looking around at dress options while dominating a bottle of prosecco, and I was horrified: all these photos were of sullen models sulking and slouching around, not looking like ANYTHING you’d want to resemble on your wedding day. If you’re trying to sell wedding dresses to brides, make the photos look like something they want to aspire to! This is not the time for high fashion shoots or heroin chic. Here are some of the worst offenders:
I mean, what is this?! Why would I EVER buy this dress, Vera Wang? Do I want to look like a 14 year old taking a mug shot before being shipped off to the gulag? No, wtf. I blame Vera’s own transformation for this nonsense, since she used to look like:
Nothing more to say about that, it makes me sad.
Are we ALL marrying the Volturi together? Is this like Sister Wives: Volterra edition? Obviously don’t forget to do your favorite hallucinogens pre-wedding. Gotta get that glassy-eyed glow.
American Horror Story: bridal edition. After you get married, you can haunt this old hotel until your husband remarries. Fun!
Helena Bonham Carter, have you been designing clothes again? Lady Gaga’s stage show should remain onstage. With Lady Gaga.
Breaking Bad: Breaking Bridal. Making a good product can be glamorous, too! Start your wedding morning off right, doing something you really love. Plus, gotta pay for that reception somehow.
Listen, we’ve read weirder things here on TN than a woman marrying a horse, so…
Don’t panic. There’s still time to escape, albeit very slowly, on a row boat with no oars through the everglades. Remember to stand at all times in case the Duck Dynasty crew is around. They like their women to present themselves majestically, so don’t be a slob.
Real quick pre-ceremony dump.
“We definitely just did some serious construction work on this ladder, which is functional, and not just an idiotic prop. Also, this Roman pillar is holding us up. Also functional. Tyra, am I smizing hard enough? I think my nose is bleeding.”
“Oh, f*ck it. I’ll just make this thing myself.”
Now, mind you, there are some pretty ridiculous bridal shoots that DO look like what I want on the day of.
I knew wearing my wedding dress around the rocky cliffs would pay off! This guy washed ashore in tuxedo pants, so LET’S SPEND THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER. Bow down, bitches.
But the good ones are much less fun to talk about. Frankly, it shouldn’t be that hard, bridal companies. Even if the photos are slightly over the top, this is not a time to use high fashion models who have no curves or joy. Hell, I’m a surfboard and I still want to look like a woman, not a waif, at my wedding (to myself, likely). This is not an industry in which you want to reinvent the mold and push the envelope in photo shoots. Make crazy dresses, fine, I like those, but for the love of Bey, put a happy, glowing actual WOMAN in them for your marketing shots.
Finally, I will leave you with my absolute favorite, and challenge you to caption it in the comments:
What was your wedding dress shopping experience like, if you had one? What’s the most wackadoodle bridal photo you’ve found?
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