No, sit down. It’s not you this time.
But it IS the same for every.single.one.of.us. It will bring a squeeze of longing to our chests, a light sigh to our breaths, and a simple shudder to our limbs. We might close our eyes and reminisce. We might tear up. We might clutch our proverbial pearls. BUT WE WILL SWOON. All of us. No one is immune. That phrase: Book Boyfriend.
Ah, yes, the book boyfriend. WHY are they so unavoidably wonderful? I believe it’s because when we close the final chapter on their stories, those guys are at their most swoony. They just saved the girl, found the sacred relic, slayed the dragon, had the cottage sex. But what happens next?
It’s been a few months since we went on an epic journey into the fictional future, where hot, young, swoony, awesome book boyfriends don dad-cases and gas station shades and head off into the matrimonial sunset. In other words, what do our favorite book boyfriends look like 10 years and 3 kids down the road? Still hot? Still making us swoon? Forgetting to put the seat down? Forgetting to put the seat UP?
That’s Normal is going to take a look at our favorite book boyfriends … as husbands. This edition: YA Angels.
**NOTE: Beware the slight SPOILER ALERT for most of these books. I can’t really talk about a couple’s future without talking about what happened to them at the end of the book. Read at your own risk. This edition will also be gif-narrated by Robert Pattinson because Jamie threw down a gauntlet and I always rise to the occasion.
For our purposes, we are judging these boys by Hotness Sustainability (will they still be hot at 35-40-55), and #HusbandProblems (the inevitable horribleness men bring to their domestic lives). This particular edition has the added difficulty of some of these guys being immortal, supernatural and preternaturally beautiful, so let’s just take it all with a giant bag of Keep The Ghost Out salt.
Original Boyfriend to: Tessa Gray in The Infernal Devices series by Cassandra Clare. He’s a demon-hunting Nephilim pumped up with the blood of The Angel who rescues Tessa in the first moment that they meet.
Hotness Sustainability: When Tess meets Will, they are in their teens and he has tangled black hair with eyes like blue glass and the face of every romantic hero she’s ever imagined. We know he keeps himself in shape for the rest of his life because he’s a warrior and a demon hunter, so he has no choice.
#HusbandProblems: He curses like a sailor and makes up completely inappropriate songs about sexually transmitted diseases that he teaches to the kids. Plus you can’t even take a stroll in the park because this mother trucker is afraid of water fowl.
Bonus: You might be in love with two dudes, but Will is the sexy one.
Original Boyfriend to: Karou in Daughter of Smoke and Bone by Laini Taylor. Seraph warrior and all around badass, he specializes in dates and deflowerings on hallowed grounds.
Hotness Sustainability: Akiva’s most-oft discussed characteristic are his tiger-bright, fiery eyes. I don’t know why Karou isn’t more focused on his bare chest, but imma guess that since he has the angel longevity thing going on, he’s going to stay hot for about forever.
#HusbandProblems: Soooooooo … Akiva’s kind of a mercenary, and he’s got some Daddy issues and MAJOR issues with the in-laws. I’m going to guess that’s he’s going to be too focused on brooding about all the ways he catastrophically ruined your life and ignited a gargantuan war to bother with fixing the garage door opener or emptying the dishwasher.
Bonus: He will make you a moth shawl when you need it. (Trust me, this is hotter and sweeter than it sounds.)
Original Boyfriend to: Penryn Young in Angelfall by Susan Ee. The real deal, legitimate ANGEL OF THE LORD, Raffe, despite not actually being Penryn’s boyfriend at any time in this book, is still the cuddliest supernatural being on this list.
Hotness Sustainability: With the body of an Olympic swimmer, dark hair and light caramel skin … AND AN ETERNITY OF HOTNESS, the idea that Raffe could be anything but super gorgeous for all time is ridiculous. Oh, except for those unfortunate demon wings with the scythes on them. Let’s do something about that in the sequel.
#HusbandProblems: Eternal war with angel AND mankind can take a toll on a guy. You can’t expect him to keep the dog poop cleaned up out of the backyard when he’s got all that stress at work. Also, you’re married to The Wrath of God. Good luck winning a SINGLE FREAKING ARGUMENT.
Bonus: He will tear down heaven to warm your chilliest nightmares.
Original Boyfriend to: Clara in the Unearthly series by Cynthia Hand. Tucker is the only human on this list, but this unfair advantage is trumped by a rescue from prom hell, yes ma’am manners and the epic entrance of “Behold, Tucker Avery.” Behold, indeed.
Hotness Sustainability: What’s hotter than a real life teenage rodeo cowboy who tips imaginary and real Stetsons, works as a white water rafting guide and a ski instructor, has a deep left cheek dimple, tan skin and tawny hair, looks amazing in a pair of Wranglers, and wears Carharrt? AN OLDER VERSION OF HIM.
#HusbandProblems: Bug spray is the worst and you have no other option but to smell like it all the time.
Bonus: Just imagine your three year old daughter trying to get her mouth around this phrase, “Daddy said we’re going hunting for huckleberries.” I’LL BE IN MY BUNK.
(Tucker Avery FOR ALL THE AWARDS, Y’ALL)
Some of you might be wondering if I missed a few angel-lore book boyfriends. Where is Jace, Jem, Christian Prescott, Patch, Rafa from Shadows, Daniel Grigori?? Well, I can’t examine them ALL. I have to work in the morning. Also, I will never ever rate anything from the Fallen series. Daniel Grigori? Always leaving the love of his life or risking killing her? UGH. No thanks. Right, Rpattz?
He gets it.
I would like to thank Robert Pattinson for taking this journey of book husbandry with us. Be prepared to see him again. Very soon. Look, he’s already looking for more book boyfriends.
So what do you guys think? DOES TUCKER AVERY WIN THIS ROUND OR WHAT? And he’s not even supernatural. GAH. I love him. Check out the previous editions of When Book Boyfriends Become Husbands: YA Romance Edition and YA Dystopia Edition.