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It was confirmed this week that Magic Mike: Magic Mike-ier is indeed happening. We’ve celebrated and rejoiced, but it’s time to settle down and go over the plays. You see, stripping is a sport, and I’ve spent the months since Magic Mike: The Original reviewing the game footage and adapting our overall strategy. It should be noted that if you think I remember any character names other than Mike and Dallas, you are kidding yourself.
Magic Mike: The First Thong ended with our QB scoring a TD in this chick’s endzo–ok, I can’t–let’s just say Lord Bitchmort has got to go. This photo accompanies the definition of “buzzkill” in the dictionary. Urban dictionary. But still, this girl was the worst part of the movie, by far. It worries me that the first movie ended with them potentially living happily ever after in her Tampa condo (straight up fairytale), but I’m holding onto a shred of hope that Mike sees the light. The SPOTLIGHT. Of the strip club. Ok, you get it. Any enemy of stripping in a movie about stripping is unwanted. CUT.
Boy Genius also must go. Just look at the above shot: who has their game face on in the thong store? Is it the whiny one with bad posture and the body hair? NO IT IS NOT. It’s Mike, the one who is so on point he makes sure to wear strippable clothing at all times–just look at the sweats and wifebeater combo! He could go onstage at a moment’s notice! Look at his face. This is day 1 of initiation and he’s already tired of Pettyfer. Bottom line: when Mike hands you a lifestyle, you f*cking take it and don’t ask questions. His first name is MAGIC. Who the f*ck are you? CUT.
Now that we got rid of those losers, let’s look at some new recruits. I’m pretty sure the NFL draft just happened (or is happening? is it over?), but our rookie selection process is lot more fun and less expensive. We’re looking for some young actors who could use a Tatum career boost. Thanks to the success of Magic Mike: Tramps of Tampa, we can expect to get some bigger stars and not total unknowns. What? You think this is an excuse to post shirtless pics of hot guys? Why don’t you see yourself out if you’re not going to take this seriously. Thank you. My picks are:
Anthony Mackie: we need some diversity in the mix, and I think Anthony Mackie gets overlooked too often in general. Watch any interview with him and you’ll see he’s got the personality to match Channing, and in case you’re wondering whether he’s willing to have a little fun and look silly…
I don’t think that’s a concern.
I’d like to take the time to point out a serious injustice and exhibit A in the “Anthony Mackie is overlooked” case: there are no shirtless photos of him. Anywhere. You guys, I looked. I looked for longer than I’d like to admit. You know what does come up when you search Google images for “Anthony Mackie shirtless?” This:
Because that’s the same. The closest I could get was this comparison shot explaining his role as Falcon in the Captain America sequel:
I even straight up asked him for one on twitter, because that’s normal:
Internet, you’re telling me there are NO shirtless shots of @anthonymackie in existence? Can we get a falcon selfie? It’s for…an article.
— Elise Ramsay (@eliseramsay) May 3, 2013
I’ll let you know how that pans out. In the meantime, we can rest assured that he has the necessary experience:
Erik Odom: Who? For a refresher, see this post. Or just see below.
See? He’s already got the waxing thing down. Plus, dude’s got moves:
So, in conclusion: we want less Pettyfer and Bored Girl, more fresh…faces, and of course, more Mike. Anything I missed? What do you want to see?
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