Find us on Facebook
Sorry. No data so far.
Rejoice hopeless romantics
and those with voyeuristic tendencies, The Bachelorette is back after a much needed two week break. I don’t know about all of you, but I needed all fourteen of those days and the long holiday weekend to get over Lee’s existence in this great nation. Bachelor Nation, obviously. All we can do is be thankful that The Bachelorette finally ended racism in America. Just kidding, they did literally nothing to help, but this season isn’t a total loss. We still get to see six handsome men vie for the affection of an accomplished attorney while traipsing through the Swiss Alps. It’s like a modern day retelling of The Sound of Music, only the Baroness is a chiropractor from Miami and Maria has way better hair.
This week Rachel whittled her half dozen boyfriends down to the four who will make it to the hometown dates. Before that can happen we’ll need to attend a Catholic mass, pretend to like an expensive watch, almost get hypothermia on a dog sled, and watch Rachel cry over a man we’ve never seen before. How can you resist?
Here are the top moments from week seven of The Bachelorette with gif reactions.
Rachel and her boyfriends – Dean, Peter, Bryan, Eric, and the other two guys she pretends to know, Matt and Adam – spent the week in gorgeous Geneva, Switzerland. If I didn’t already watch this show for the
man candy love story, I’d be watching it for the wanderlust. Geneva is gorgeous and, as she explained on day one in their hotel suite, Rachel intends to spend as much time exploring it as possible. That means there will be three one-on-one dates, one three-on-one date and no rose ceremony this week. This begs the most important question of all: where in the world is Chris Harrison? Admittedly I was distracted by how handsome my boyfriend Peter looked in that horizontally striped sweater, but shouldn’t our host be here to explain the date situation? I watched this episode twice and I don’t think we saw him a single time. Don’t leave me to fill in the blanks here, I have an overactive imagination. At this point I can only assume he got arrested in Sweden for bathing in lingonberry sauce at the IKEA museum. Great, now I want meatballs.
Much to the chagrin of
the two men who have never been alone with Rachel and yet are still on this show for some reason Matt and Adam, the first one-on-one date went to Bryan. You’ll remember Bryan as the 37 year-old chiropractor from Miami with the overeager tongue. Bryan and Rachel shared a luxurious date, driving around Geneva in a Bentley, picking out matching Swiss watches (quick pause to mourn those ugly leather bands), giving mouth to mouth in a boat, and generally grossing me out. I’ll be the first to admit that I really don’t understand the attraction to Bryan. To me he comes across as a smooth talker who kisses Rachel instead of talk about anything of substance. But admittedly, there are many viewers who think he’s the most handsome man on the season and that he’s the best person for Rachel, so maybe I’m wrong.*
Later that night, Rachel extricated herself from Bryan’s tonsils long enough to ask when he last introduced a girlfriend to his family. Bryan’s story should have been accompanied with a parade of red flags, because it turns out that his last girlfriend broke up with him because of his mom. As in, she met his mom and then broke up with him directly after because it was so terrible. The producers had to be salivating with the possibilities to come when Rachel ignored every sign and gave him the date rose. Bryan is going to hometown week. I think they danced while an orchestra played after that, but I lost interest in their date when Bryan asked 31 year-old Rachel to describe what she looked like in the private school uniform she wore as a child.
Hopefully Rachel had the chance to disinfect with mouthwash before her date with Dean but if not, maybe she could use the communal wine at mass. For some reason, Dean and Rachel donned their Sunday best and attended Catholic mass with a French homily for their date, even though neither of them are Catholic nor speak the language. What is this show? Bryan got a free watch while Dean got to sit on a hard pew and dance to a street accordion. Things only went down hill from there when Rachel asked Dean to be vulnerable and he responded by asking if she believes in the tooth fairy. She rolled her eyes and pressed him to be real with her, so he asked her what her favorite dinosaur is. Rachel was visibly frustrated; but let’s be real, you’d listen to Dean talk about his favorite dinosaur all day if he kept smiling at you like that.
Dinner that night was Dean’s last chance to redeem himself before Rachel decided if she wanted to meet his family next week. Dean continued his habit of smiling and giggling when he felt awkward, but this time he pressed through to the source of his awkwardness. Dean is nervous to introduce Rachel to his family. Not because they won’t like her or because he’s not ready, but because he doesn’t have the ideal family to introduce her to. He described his dad as “increasingly erratic” and his family as “dysfunctional and patriarchal,” but what really came through was his heartbreak over the loss of his mom at fifteen. Dean said, “What I wish you could see is the family that I had in my most developmental years of zero through fifteen, and not the family that abandoned me at the most vulnerable time in my life.” I wasn’t the only one who fell for that vulnerability, because Rachel gave him the date rose. They sealed the moment in true Bachelorette fashion by kissing outside while a water fountain phallically errupted in the distance. Who says romance is dead?
This is a major sidenote, but did anyone else notice the beautiful yellow fields that Rachel waltzed through during the requisite b-roll of her looking pensive? They’re so gorgeous that I spent an entire commercial break googling what they are, because I’m old now so gardening interests me. Turns out it’s called rapeseed. Apparently it’s used to make vegetable oil, but the name “rapeseed” brings to mind the spawn of that one guy you avoided in college. I wasted three minutes of my life discovering that and now you did too.
In a surprise to no one except
those two guys we still don’t recognize Matt and Adam, my boyfriend Peter received the last one-on-one date of the week. As Rachel pointed out while they flew over Switzerland in a helicopter, Peter had the first one-on-one date of the season and the last. He also received all of my love and devotion for the season, but he seems less impressed with that. They spent their day putting themselves at risk of hypothermia on top of Glacier 3000 which, despite it’s moniker, is a real glacier in the Swiss Alps and not a new flavor of Gatorade. Just like on their first date they played with dogs, only this time they were being pulled by them on a sled while they joked about pooping with the bathroom door open. Just have babies already, geez. They huddled together, sharing body warmth while Peter admitted that this journey has been hard for him and that he has considered going home early. You stop that right this second you silver fox in the making, our nerves can’t take it.
The rest of Peter and Rachel’s date continued in a similar trend. Peter would be brutally honest, Rachel would panic a little on the inside, the show would try to convince us that they aren’t going to be a love story for the ages, and repeat. I’m not falling for it. If anything I think that Peter was being brutally honest because he’s falling in love with Rachel and he needs it to be real. Although, to be fair, when he cried telling of the guilt he felt watching his last ex-girlfriend cry in the rear view mirror as he “abandoned her” I had a quick pause. The Bachelorette wants us to wonder if Peter is ready for love. Rachel even asked him if he is ready and he said, “I think that I am. If I am having reservations I would let you know.” Then again, he also said that he’s “definitely along the path” of being in love so they need to stop toying with my emotions like that. Obviously he got the date rose, because they belong together until they die within moments of one another and are buried in adjacent graves. I won’t apologize for the morbidity.
Finally it was time for the three-on-one date, which I understand has a very different connotation in some circles. This time it was just an excuse for Rachel to pretend she cares about what’s their names. Eric we know, he’s the handsome 29 year-old personal trainer who has never felt loved. As for the other two? I have no clue. How Adam survived for this long after showing up with a doll he named Adam Jr. on night one is beyond me. As for Matt, I’m sure he’s wonderful, but we’ve never even seen him shirtless, let alone speak, so how would we know? Their date card said, “Tomorrow will be difficult, I don’t know what else to say.” Unfortunately Adam didn’t have that same problem because he wouldn’t shut up. He gave a speech about how he doesn’t like the word “difficult” because he thinks of challenges as opportunities. Cool story bro, go away and bring back Peter while you’re at it.
The first thing Rachel did on this weird group date was talk to Eric because she actually knows who he is. The second thing she did was send Matt home. It happened super quickly and it was bizarre because she cried really hard while she did it. She kept talking about how much she respects him and how he reminds her of herself, but that they just didn’t have time to develop a relationship. Please girl, you had time to give Bryan a dental exam with your tongue, you just didn’t like Matt that much. Matt was disappointed and I probably would have cared if I had ever seen him before in my life. It’s like when you see a kid crying at the park who doesn’t belong to you. You make sure they’re okay, look around for whomever is responsible for them, and then walk away relieved that they have to deal with it, not you. Did I just reveal too much?
With Matt out of the picture, Rachel was left with the
easiest decision ever difficult decision of keeping Eric or Adam. Eric told Rachel that he’s never brought a woman home to meet his family before, because his childhood in Baltimore was basically a plot line from The Wire. Of course, Rachel got stuck on the idea that he has never brought a girl home before, but he just got done telling her that he saw his friends shot in the street so she should probably, chill. Meanwhile, Adam gave his best sales pitch to keep himself in the game. I’m pretty sure he mentioned an idyllic childhood and how good they’d be together, but the crew neck t-shirt with a blazer look that he had going was super distracting. Who cares though because she was obviously sending Adam home and giving Eric the rose. This was the least suspenseful date in the history of The Bachelorette.
Based on the trailer for next week’s dates, Eric’s hometown is going to freak out Rachel, Peter is still going to have cold feet, Bryan is going to keep making out with Rachel, and Dean really undersold the whole “my dad is eccentric thing.” You need to picture a white man in a turban lounging on floor pillows. It’s going to get weird in Aspen. We earned this.
It seems fairly obvious to me that it’s going to be Bryan and my boyfriend Peter in the finals. Bryan is the sure thing, he has admitted his love for Rachel, he makes her feel safe and secure. Meanwhile she’s crazy about Peter but she’s less secure about where she stands in their relationship. Either way I get to look at Peter on my screen for the next few weeks so you won’t hear any complaining from me.
What did you think? Where we really supposed to believe that Rachel liked Adam and Matt? Who are your final two? Do you think Bryan’s mom is going to be completely insane? I hope so. Let’s talk in the comments!
Sorry. No data so far.