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Go ahead and give yourself a pat on the back because, we did it! We are only a few days away from the finale of Nick Viall’s
debacle journey on The Bachelor. Nick may have whittled his harem down to two potential fiancées but we watched it all from the comfort of our homes so who’re the real heroes here? Thankfully The Bachelor recognized our efforts with their version of a participation trophy: the Women Tell All special. The Women Tell All is an audition for Bachelor in Paradise our last chance to relive the drama of the season. It’s also a time to wonder why we can’t remember any of these women.
Here are the top moments from The Bachelor’s Women Tell All special.
In recent seasons, The Bachelor has changed its narrative to include less of host Chris Harrison’s inane relationship advice. Instead he appears for a few moments during each rose ceremony to smirk and collect his paycheck. I like to picture him writing his next romance novel in a random Bimini (still a real place) hotel room while Nick cries. But, luckily for us, for the Women Tell All, Chris Harrison pops his head out like a proverbial groundhog to mediate the drama like the referee at a Jello wrestling match. He has never looked happier.
I don’t have a bucket list but if I did, being in the audience at one of The Bachelor’s Tell All episodes would be right up there with turning down sexual advances from David Beckham. I want it bad. Dare I say they’re the best live audience in television? They give ovations more often than Congress at the State of the Union, they bring clever signs like women marching in Washington, and they wear shark costumes. These are my people.
Like any woman who is about to see her ex for the first time since their breakup, Nick’s exes arrived with perfectly coiffed hair and dresses that put their sternums (or cleavage depending on cup size) on display. But it was forgettable Josephine who really outdid herself. I don’t know which beauty blogger video she’s been binging on youtube, but her almost black lipstick was a questionable choice. Honestly, she needs to reconsider her relationships with the other women because, if they let her go out in public looking like that, they’re not actually her friends.
One of the most predictable parts of a Women Tell All special is the drama between the women and don’t worry, this episode had drama, but it also had some serious feminist girl power. Instead of focusing on the expected shame of Liz’s sexual past with Nick she refused to let her sexual history or other people’s expectations define her. Even more inspiring, instead of judging her, the other women lauded her charity work and defended her. They rallied around her and built her up instead of tearing her down. There might just be hope for us after all.
It wouldn’t be a Women Tell All episode of this season if Corinne wasn’t the center of attention, but I’ll never understand why the other women hate naps so much. I get it, Nick kept Corinne around and it made them mad. They didn’t like her or her penchant for molesting him and inhaling cheese plates. They felt like she didn’t take the show seriously. Blah, blah, blah. That sounds like a personal problem, don’t bring naps into it. I mean seriously, what did naps ever do to you, give you a much needed afternoon boost and less wrinkles? Girls, please. I needed a nap to escape this absurdity.
The main drama of the night seemed pretty evenly split between those who support mental health counselor Taylor, and those who support “multi-million dollar business owner” Corinne. (I’ll remove the quotation marks when I see her tax returns.) Corinne and Taylor legit hate each other. Taylor feels hurt that Corinne disparaged her career. Corinne feels hurt that Taylor called her unintelligent. They’re both immature, petty, and wonderful television fodder. Taylor cried. Corinne refused to apologize. I laughed. It was a win all around.
I am #TeamCorinne and I don’t care who knows it. Is Corinne sexually aggressive? Yes. Is she obnoxiously self-involved? Yes. But, she is also one hundred percent true to herself. We could all use a little bit of Corinne’s unapologetic self-love in our lives. Aside from the Taylor kerfuffle, she used her time in the interview chair to defend her use of the word “nanny” to describe her employee and long time caregiver, Raquel. She said that Raquel has been with her through the hardest times in her life, so calling her a “cleaning lady” would have been demeaning. In her mind saying she is her nanny is more respectful. Then she pulled an Oprah and handed out cheese pasta (why won’t she call it mac n’ cheese?) to the entire audience. How can anyone hate her after that?
The Bachelor never resists the opportunity to exploit a sad backstory so Kristina got a surprising amount of time in the hot seat. She spoke more about her decision to leave her orphanage in Russia as a pre-teen, because her future there was “in black and white but life in the United States could be in color.” Chris Harrison ate this up like it was a big plate of the American dream with a side of “we are better than Russia.” The other women stood and applauded her while she wiped tears away from her perfect Slavic face. Take that, Putin.
Finally, after nearly two hours, Nick arrived to field a few questions from the women he rejected on national television. Despite being on this show approximately 35,000 times, this is the first time Nick has been on a Tell All special because he always made it to the final two. You’d think that would make him more sympathetic to the women but he really didn’t have any good answers to their questions. It pretty much went like this: A women would ask him why he dumped them. He would say this show is hard and he did the best he could. They would cry. He would sit there looking uncomfortable. And scene. Why haven’t I been hired to write for this show yet?
The Women Tell All ended with Rachel’s official appearance as the next Bachelorette. She is likable, beautiful, self-deprecating, funny, and yes, she’s black. More significantly, the other women love her. They clapped and cheered for her, giving their complete support and their willingness to date her leftovers. Watching Rachel’s interview made me more excited than ever to make fun of her future ex-boyfriends this May.
That’s it for the Women Tell All. Did you get all of the answers you wanted? Are you Team Corinne or Team Taylor? Make sure you watch the blooper reel!