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You know the smile Morgan Freeman’s character makes at the end of The Shawshank Redemption when he finally leaves prison and makes it to the beach in Mexico? (Don’t yell at me about spoilers in the comments, that movie released before I got my first period.) That smile represented freedom. It represented hope. It was the same smile I made when I realized The Bachelor was only one hour long this week instead of its usual two.
I don’t know what I did to deserve this reprieve, but I used it to its full advantage by watching other equally bad reality dating shows while eating Girl Scout cookies. See, not all fantasies involve sharing a foreign hotel room with a man who has three girlfriends.
Here are the top moments from the first hour of Nick’s fantasy suite dates with gif reactions.
Last week’s hometown date episode
mildly surprised shocked us when it ended with former Bachelorette Andi Dorfman knocking on Nick’s hotel room door in New York City. Surely she was there to beg for second chance and not because she recently relocated to the city and needed a free blowout, right? Don’t be silly, of course not. Andi and Nick talked about his current relationships like only two exes who once exposed their sex lives to a live audience, his mom, and her current (at the time) fiance can. That is to say it was awkward and scripted. I’ve seen better acting watching my kids’ rendition of The Little Mermaid in my living room.
Who cares though because it was juicy. Nick confessed that he may end up alone at the end of his journey because he, “isn’t going to pick one just because she’s the last one standing.” Andi finally got a kinda-sorta-half apology from Nick for making their sexual history national news. And I was just sitting there like the personal embodiment of that Michael Jackson eating popcorn gif. Andi advised Nick to do whatever with whomever he wants in the fantasy suites as long as it’s consensual, which seemed like a bar low enough for even Nick to reach. But then she described said advice as a “feminist rant” which made no sense at all. That doesn’t mean what you think it does, Andi.
I’d bet a bunk bed on Bachelor in Paradise that Nick sent Andi a “Can’t sleep. U up?” text later that night.
Nick changed into an all black ensemble to signify the end of Andi’s fifteen minutes of fame and joined Raven, Vanessa, Corinne, and Rachel for the rooftop rose ceremony. There’s something especially insidious about being sent home immediately after introducing your boyfriend to your parents, so these women were quivering with anxiety. That or they were just freezing because someone thought it was a good idea to hold the ceremony during gale force winds. I expected to see one of Corinne’s hair extensions whip through the air at any moment. You know she would have chased that thing down. They probably cost more than my first mortgage payment.
Nick gave the first rose to Raven, the second to Rachel, and then it was down to two, Vanessa and Corinne. Obviously Nick gave the final rose to Vanessa which meant everyone’s favorite 24 year-old “multi-million dollar business owner” Corinne, was going home.
Corinne has had a tumultuous ride in the bouncy castle of love that is this season of The Bachelor. It was easy to judge her. She was brash, sexually aggressive, and she fully embraced her spoiled persona. But at the end of the day, Corinne is just an insecure 24 year-old woman with a penchant for saying what she thinks aloud and eating her feelings. Given the right set of circumstances (and her dad’s American Express card) we could all be Corinne.
Like most women, Corinne’s first reaction after Nick broke her heart was to apologize if she did something to upset him. Girl, no. This man dated 30 women at once with the intention of getting engaged to one of them after two months but somehow you think it’s your fault when things go bad? Brush it off. You were never going to find a “normal relationship” on this weird, messed-up, microcosm of a show. Don’t let the 36 year-old ex software salesman with a long history of failed relationships affect your self-worth. He’s not that great.
Corinne returned to her senses by the end of her limo interview saying she was sick of being what men expect her to be. She was adamant that she “will never kiss up to a man ever again in (her) life” and then she closed her eyes for one final nap. Sleep well, Corinne. See you in Paradise.
I’m just going to go ahead and assume Travelzoo was having a last minute deal on trips to Lapland, Finland because there’s no other good reason for it to be the location of this season’s fantasy suite dates. I get it, Nick likes any excuse to break out his extensive scarf collection and the Northern Lights are gorgeous. But when the main asset of the bachelor is that he looks good shirtless, you really need to rethink sticking him above the Artic Circle in the middle of winter.
Raven was the lucky recipient of the first fantasy suite date so she shouldn’t need quite as many antibiotics at the end of the season as the other women. Just kidding, I’m sure they lace the wine with penicillin at the cocktail parties so they’re covered. Nick and Raven went on a helicopter ride over the snowy landscape of Finland before they had a laid back date playing darts with bearded locals at a pub. They had a playful argument about the merits of steaming versus ironing clothes, compared their preferred household chores, and talked about their parents. It was a perfectly domestic conversation that made me remember how much I like Raven and that Nick isn’t completely annoying when he’s just having a normal conversation.
At dinner that night Raven was nervous because she was ready to tell Nick that she’s in love with him. This was big news for two reasons. First, she has never said those three little words to anyone before. Not even her ex-boyfriend of two years. Second, she was still willing to say it even after seeing Nick in a giant turtleneck sweater that looked like it was actively trying to engulf his head. Seriously, Raven’s declaration of love was probably as sweet and sincere as she is, but where did that turtleneck come from? Did he pick it up at the big and tall store at the corner of Main Street and There Goes My Libido? Plus, Raven didn’t feel safe enough in her relationship with her ex to say “I love you,” but she somehow felt safe saying it to Nick despite the fact that he has two other girlfriends and terrible winter fashion sense? I’ll never understand this show.
After Raven spilled her heart to Nick, he told her “that was really sweet” (don’t hold back now, Nick) and offered her the fantasy suite key. She accepted but only on the condition that he keep some very personal information in mind. Personal information that gives me so much secondhand embarrassment I may die. Raven has only ever been intimate with one man. Oh, okay Raven that’s no big deal, good for you for being judicious in choosing your sexual partners. But wait, there’s more. Raven also wanted to make sure that Nick, and all of America, knew that she never had an orgasm. No really, she said that on national television.
Nick was taken back, but you know him, he’s never one to back down from a willing woman, so off they went to their fantasy suite. Meanwhile I paused the TV and just stared in abject horror. Did she really just tell the entire world that her ex-boyfriend was bad in bed? Why wouldn’t she keep that information to herself until the cameras left? Then I remembered that this is the same ex she beat with a stiletto after catching him in flagrante with another woman. There’s no better revenge on a cheating ex than disparaging his sexual prowess on national television. That’s some next level shade, Raven. After I’m done being embarrassed for you, I’ll be proud.
Next week will be a marathon three hour long episode. Yes, three hours. I could fly to Las Vegas and back in that amount of time, but instead I’ll be here suffering through more cable knit sweaters and thinly veiled sexual innuendos. Rachel and Vanessa will each have their fantasy suite dates. Then, unlike Raven, we’ll be guaranteed a satisfying end to our night, because the Women Tell All special is also going to air.
Were you also suffering from secondhand embarrassment this week? How much do you think Corinne spent in retail therapy? Did you hear Nick was officially cast on Dancing with the Stars? How about that Rocky montage at the end of this episode? Let’s talk in the comments!