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I don’t know who decided forcing school age children to painstakingly write their names over and over again on cards represented love, but I promise you they don’t deserve sainthood. By the time my two eldest kids were done filling out their valentines earlier this week, I was wishing I had assigned them numbers instead of names. If I ever considered having a fourth child before, taping those stupid heart suckers to each card has cured me. I’m not feeling the love.
Thankfully The Bachelor is here to remind us all what true love is. It isn’t cheap valentines and flowers. It’s watching a 36 year-old man rub sunscreen on a woman’s inner thigh while his other girlfriend’s glare behind his back. Obviously.
Here are the top moments (with gif reactions) from the seventh week of Nick Viall’s journey to find love on The Bachelor.
At the end of last week’s episode, Nick was leaving the women’s hotel suite in St. Thomas after crying to them that he’s not sure this process is working. (Hey Nick, here’s a tip from me to you: crying over another woman is not typically recommended behavior for a person who hopes to be engaged in three weeks.) This episode picked up the next morning with the women cleaning the tatters of their self-confidence off the floor while Nick had a conversation with Chris Harrison on the beach. Nick admitted that he was considering leaving, but who does he think he’s kidding? He’s on a paid vacation with 6 mostly accomplished women who have fooled themselves into liking him. He’s not going anywhere.
Nick continued to draw out the contrived tension back at the suite where he once again toyed with the women’s emotions. It was like he was auditioning to replace Chris Harrison with the pauses and sighs. JUST TELL THEM YOUR DECISION, NICK. After approximately 32 hours he finally admitted that he feels very strongly for all 6 of the women in the room and he’s looking forward to moving forward with their journey. The women were visibly relieved which just goes to show what an echo chamber they’ve been living in. It is not normal to smile and hug the other women dating your boyfriend because he just said he has strong feelings for all of you. In a real world situation they would have already set up a catfish social media account or broken up with him in a very public setting. Someone needs to get them to an internet cafe so they can be reminded that there are other men in the world.
Apparently Nick hit his breakup quota for the week, because he chose to skip the rose ceremony and send the remaining women (Corinne, Kristina, Rachel, Danielle M., Vanessa, Raven) straight to Bimini which, despite my assumption, is not a made up island in the Bahamas. I’ve literally never heard of it before so kudos to the Bimini board of tourism for their wise investment with ABC.
At this point in any season of The Bachelor the show shifts from the gimmicks we love to hate to serious relationships we hate to love. Hometown dates are right around the corner so emotions are running high and the contestant’s actions become increasingly more desperate. I try to keep in mind that the women have been isolated from all outside influence, they’re being conditioned at every turn to think about their feelings for Nick, and they’re also competing with other beautiful women for
airtime love. Yet, even ignoring how gross that is, I still can’t believe them when they get excited about Nick. He’s just not that great. At one point in my notes from every this episode I wrote, “I wish I was watching Luke Pell.” For the life of me I can’t understand what these women like about Nick. Is it his marginal attractiveness? Is there some aspect of his personality that doesn’t come across on camera? Or is it just being punch drunk on C+ celebrity status and being blinded by studio lights? I’m guessing it’s the latter.
Once they settled into their home for the week, Vanessa received the first date card in Bimini. You’ll probably remember that Vanessa and Nick’s relationship started off with a bang on their NASA inspired date earlier this season. He didn’t even mind making out with her after she threw up at zero G’s (which is more than I can say about kissing my husband of 10 years when he’s sick). Their relationship seems to consist of more in depth conversations than Nick’s other relationships which, if we are being honest, may not bode well for the Canadian special education teacher. Their conversation on a yacht felt more like Vanessa was lecturing Nick than anything else, but they did manage to talk about how Nick made Vanessa feel when he came into their hotel suite crying. Prepare yourself, that conversation is one you’re going to hear over and over and over this episode.
The Bachelor loves some unsubtle foreshadowing so they went snorkeling by a shipwreck while Vanessa said in a voice over that she couldn’t wait to see Nick’s facial reactions when she tells him she’s falling in love. Poor, poor, Vanessa. This is going to be painful. At dinner that night she told him how she feels fully expecting him to reciprocate the sentiment. Instead Nick told her that he’s taking it slow because he only wants to say I love you once, but don’t feel bad Vanessa, he “really really likes you a lot.” Sure, because Nick, who has almost been engaged three times in this franchise already, is notorious for holding his feelings back.
While Nick was off crushing Vanessa’s hopes and dreams, Corinne was back at the Bimini beach house making me laugh. I get it, people hate Corinne. She goes after what she wants, she doesn’t care what people think, she says whatever she feels like saying and she does it all while wearing perfectly stained lips, hair extensions and talking about her nanny. I think I love her.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not sure she’s someone I’d want to be friends with in real life. But seeing her on my television every Monday is getting me through the disaster that is Nick’s love life. Who else can talk about Vanessa being a special education teacher like it’s a bad thing? Who else says completely relatable things like, “I’m really frustrated and I’m really bloated” while everyone else is being serious? Who else stress eats cubes of cheese while on group dates? Plus, that girl gives better side eye than Michelle Obama. Guys, I think I might be #TeamCorinne.
Much to their disappointment, Raven, Kristina, and Corinne were picked for the final group date of the season. Corinne is the only woman left on the show who hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet this season so she was especially upset. You could tell she was upset because she wears all of her emotions on her sleeve like she’s a walking gif machine.
Can we pause for a second to recognize how completely insane it is that Corinne wants to bring Nick home to meet her
nanny parents but they’ve never even been on a date alone? This. Show. Anyway, the group date was on a yacht which gave Corinne the opportunity to say things like, “I’m a boater, I’m experienced, and I look great on a yacht!” and “let’s take my clothes off!” You know, normal date behavior.
I’ve seen a lot of awkward things in my years watching The Bachelor. I’ve been disgusted, shocked, confounded, but nothing prepared me for witnessing Nick spread sunscreen on Kristina’s inner thigh while Raven and Corinne watched. I’m still cringing.
After being sufficiently accosted with sunscreen Nick and the three girlfriends he doesn’t deserve went swimming with sharks. As if they haven’t faced enough dangerous predators being on this show. Our Russian spy next door, Kristina panicked like any reasonable human being would while Corinne tread water in the ocean looking for Nick. Raven was there too but she’s so normal and down to earth that she barely gets any airtime.
That night they each had the chance to spend some time alone with Nick which they inevitably spent talking to him about how terrible he made them feel when he cried in the hotel suite. I told you that would get brought up again. He deftly redirected their questions by dangling the hometown date in front of them. All three women wanted the group date this week because it would guarantee them a spot in the final four and hometowns, but despite his heavy flirtation with Kristina, and despite Corinne’s desperation, Raven was the lucky recipient.
Don’t let her lack of facial expressions or discernible personality fool you, Danielle M. was excited for her date with Nick the next day. Her date card said, “Let’s ride off into the sunset,” which had her wondering “Are we on mopeds? Are we on a sail boat? Are we on dolphins?” Nope, you’re on bicycles. Look alive.
Danielle M. and Nick had a painfully boring date. At one point they sat quietly on a bench wondering if a pile of rocks in the ocean was something worth talking about. It wasn’t. Despite their obvious lack of chemistry, Danielle told Nick that she was excited to bring him back to Wisconsin to meet her family. She said that she is crazy about him but nervous for the future because, “the last time (she) was in love with someone they died.” Well Danielle, I’m sorry for your loss, but things aren’t looking so good for your future with Nick. He sent her home after saying his heart just couldn’t get there with her, but she’s still “just so great.” Danielle kept her face blank (like usual) and said “not great enough,” through her tears.
While Danielle M. went back to the beach house to pack her things and say her good-byes, Corinne saw her opportunity to strike. She slapped on some lip gloss, fluffed her hair and headed over to Nick’s hotel with every intention of comforting him in his time of need. Naked. This is the scene The Bachelor has been teasing us with since before the season even aired. By now we all know Corinne’s “vagine is platinum” but we also learned that she “definitely knows how to turn on the sex charm.” Apparently her sex charm consists of leading Nick behind closed doors, but failing to turn off her mic so that we were forced to here her utter the words “there’s no beating around the bush with me.” Thanks for that visual, Corinne. The horrifying slurping noises made it sound like some heavy petting was going on, but Nick put an end to things fairly quickly. He told her that he’s very attracted to her but he doesn’t think this is a good idea. Corinne was so mortified that she could barely walk her way out of his hotel in her Louboutin heels. Or maybe that was the wine again. You never can tell with her.
I’m assuming Nick showered off his encounter with Corinne before his last date the next day, but you never can tell. This time it was Rachel’s turn to talk herself into liking Nick while they had drinks at a beach side bar. That’s it. That was the whole date. They even got stuck talking to an old man sitting next to them. It was like when my husband and I can’t pick a restaurant so we end up at Chili’s splitting an appetizer combo. If I wanted to watch a couple sit around talking about their parents at a bar I could walk in to literally any Applebee’s. Step it up, Bachelor. Anyway, Nick likes Rachel. Rachel likes Nick (for some reason) and he should avoid calling her dad anything other than Sir. Got it.
The women were back at the beach house watching Corinne panic about how unpredictable Nick is when he showed up unexpectedly again. In an earlier conversation, Nick told Chris Harrison that, even though it wasn’t easy, he knew who needed to go home. So when he came into the house asking for Kristina we knew the sweet brunette with the nicely sunscreened inner thighs was going home. Kristina accused him of not giving her a chance, but he tried to reassure her that she deserves better than what he can offer. That’s something we can all agree on.
Next week we’ll find out if Nick is taking the remaining four women to visit their hometowns or if he’s going to go rogue again. Also, someone mysterious from his past is going to return, but who cares because BIG Bachelorette news broke on Monday night after the episode. Despite still being a top contender on this season, Rachel was announced as the next Bachelorette!
I know, I know. Pick your jaw up off the floor. Is this spoiler? Yes, technically it is. But it came direct from the show runners and aired on Jimmy Kimmel Live so don’t blame me. Apparently filming has to start in the next few weeks so they simply couldn’t wait for her to get sent home. I don’t know what this means for the rest of this season, but I’m thrilled to have our first black Bachelorette. It’s about time.
We did it! We have our final four. Either Corinne, Raven, Rachel or Vanessa are going to “win” this thing. Since we (SPOILER ALERT) officially know that Rachel will not win, I feel confident placing Raven and Vanessa in the final two spots. I can’t lie, a large part of me wants Corinne to win this whole thing. Wouldn’t it be perfect for Nick, the villain of both Andi and Kaitlyn’s seasons, to end up with the villain of his season? Sadly, The Bachelor tends to disappoint (I miss you Luke Pell) so I don’t think that’ll happen, but a girl can dream, right?
What do you think about this season of The Bachelor? Do you like Nick? Are you #TeamCorinne? Who do you think are in the final two?