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There’s a saying I’ve seen floating around the internet the last few days that says, “I’m only here to make jokes and fight fascists and nothing seems funny anymore,” to which I say, amen and hallelujah. It’s ugly out there people. I even took time out of my busy schedule plotting underground railroad routes to Canada to write a haiku.
— Heidi (@HeidiRochelle) January 31, 2017
It’s not that I don’t recognize life keeps moving; I graduated Cum Laude with a double major in avoiding tan lines and political science. I get it, there have been political ebbs and flows since the beginning of time. That doesn’t change the fact that, at the moment, the ebbs and flows are horrifying. Nothing seems all that funny to me, not even The Bachelor. However, like a missing Andrews Sister, I’m going to metaphorically Rosie the Riveter up and make fun of Nick’s mumble-mouthed seduction of 15 women. For America.
Here are the top moments (with gif reactions) from Nick’s fifth week on his journey to find
When last week’s episode ended, Corinne was threatening to punch Taylor in the face before the rose ceremony. Clearly she meant that threat metaphorically, because Corinne would never waste a perfectly good manicure when her words are twice as effective. Taylor came out with an early lead when she said Corinne lacked emotional maturity (which Corinne correctly interpreted to mean Taylor thinks she’s stupid), but you should never underestimate a grown woman with a nanny. Just when it seemed like Taylor’s graduate degree in Mental Health Counseling from Johns Hopkins was finally going to pay off, Corinne pulled out the Mohammad Ali of Bachelor insults, “You’re not here for the right reasons.” She followed that up with a few quick jabs about how no one likes Taylor and everyone thinks she’s fake. Before you could count down from ten, Taylor was near tears and Corinne was telling her version of the events to Nick. Total Knockout.
The remaining 15 women gathered like sacrificial brides in a Wisconsin barn (which was inexplicably decorated with potted plants and lanterns) for the rose ceremony. They kept the doors to the barn wide open for ambiance but that meant you could see their breath steaming in the air. They were probably wearing gowns but I couldn’t tell beneath the coats they were forced to wrap up in against the freezing weather. The Bachelor couldn’t swing a space heater? Nick wore the best suit I’ve seen this season, but it just bugged me because of course he got a jacket and pants. The patriarchy strikes again. Oh and again, because Sarah and Astrid are going home.
Obviously Sarah, the school teacher, and Astrid, the plastic surgeon’s office manager, were going home eventually. but sending them home before someone like Jaimi or Josephine was a strange choice, in my opinion. Then again, I think going on a version of this show four times is a strange choice so I’m probably not in Nick’s head space. Small mercies.
Nick is only simultaneously dating a baker’s dozen of women so it’s time to celebrate in New Orleans where aspiring dolphin trainer Alexis says they like “gators, grits and a good time.” Cue the mardi gras montage complete with footage of the ladies trying on masks while Alexis breaks the third wall and saus, “Winter is coming,” in her Jersey accent. Never change.
Soon they were exploring their new hotel suite with fake excitement because really, no hotel suite is that exciting once you’re sharing it with 12 other people and a camera crew. Just ask Charlie Sheen. Speaking of Charlie Sheen, Chris Harrison showed up in a suit baggy enough to hide two and a half men (I won’t apologize for that terrible joke) to tell the women that this week will feature a one-on-one date, a group date and a
death match two-on-one date.
It was finally time for Rachel, Nick’s first impression rose recipient from premiere, to have a one-on-one date. Rachel is a 31 year-old attorney from Dallas with an adorable gap in her front teeth and serious chemistry with Nick. Not like Corinne in a trench coat chemistry, real chemistry. They spent their day kissing in a french market, kissing over beignets at Cafe Du Monde, kissing while leading a second line parade, kissing at night club and then kissing in a mardi gras float warehouse. They took the whole Princess and the Frog thing seriously.
When they weren’t kissing they were dancing, laughing and just generally enjoying each other’s company. Rachel teased Nick that he better not call her Federal Judge father by his first name while he admitted that he’s nervous his past will taint her parent’s opinion of him. Should have thought about that 3 seasons, two engagement rings and 6 personal trainers ago, Nick. He told Rachel he’s “super into” her and she smiled the smile of a woman who is definitely in the running to be the next Bachelorette.
This episode featured one of those rare occasions when having your name appear on the group date card was a good thing because it meant you weren’t going on the dreaded two-on-one. That meant Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. were thrilled to be given a tour of a haunted plantation by a man named Boo. I can’t decide if his name is a reference to the neighbor in To Kill a Mockingbird or to the sound a ghost makes; either way, it’s ridiculous. Mr. Boo told them about May, the 8 year-old girl who haunts the plantation looking for her doll. He warned the women not to disturb anything and then left them to their evening.
Nick took turns exchanging platitudes with his dates while the other women freaked themselves out wondering if the ghosts stories were true. A bookshelf fell in one room and a chandelier fell in another, but nothing was as scary as hearing Nick tell Danielle L., “absence makes the heart grow stronger.” That’s not the saying, Nick, lay off the mint juleps. The alcohol got to Raven too because she accidentally admitted to Nick that she has fallen in love with him. The last time I accidentally admitted to falling in love with someone it was the pizza delivery guy and I could blame it on hunger. She should have tried that.
In the end, all of the accidental love confessions, ghosts sightings and weird diatribes about needing to respect ghosts (looking at you, Jaimi) couldn’t keep Nick from giving the date rose to Danielle M. I’m not really sure why. She’s boring and they have less chemistry than Corinne did with the room service feast she ordered. However, who received the date rose was less important than noticing it was enclosed in a jar a la Beauty and the Beast. You know some publicist at ABC is high-fiving themselves over this cross-promotion right now.
The little snippets during the numerous commercial breaks of Josh Gad (Cogsworth) and Luke Evans (Gaston) pretending to care about The Bachelor made me remember why I care too. Just kidding they only made wonder if Nick is Belle or the Beast in this situation. That was a trick question, the answer is neither because Beauty and the Beast is about true love and The Bachelor is about girls from Jersey wearing shark costumes pretending to be dolphins.
Obviously all of the drama from the past several weeks led us to the moment we were waiting for, Corinne and Taylor were going on the two-on-one date with Nick. Both women would go and only one would return, but don’t worry, neither would leave with their dignity fully intact.
These two women despise one another so it was only fitting that they would take a boat ride through the bayou into alligator country to meet a voodoo priestess. Now, I know this is New Orleans and that spirituality was bound to be part of the story line, but I was 99% sure my preacher dad was going to reach through from 1995 and ground me for finding entertainment from a tarot card reading so I can’t say I watched this part of the episode very closely. I do know that at one point Corinne had just enough time to talk to Nick alone and by talk I mean completely throw Taylor under the bus.
Nick believed Corinne when she said Taylor was a bully and quite frankly, Nick didn’t have much a connection with Taylor anyway. So everyone’s favorite “multi-million dollar business owner”, Corinne got the date rose. She and Nick climbed back into the boat leaving Taylor on the side of the swamp to stew over her emotional maturity. Taylor grew angrier and angrier while the priestess performed some sort of ritual on her that would definitely have given me nightmares.
After they left Taylor in the swamp Nick and Corinne went back into town for a more civilized date. Corinne was in her happy place finally having Nick all to herself, but it didn’t last long, because Taylor was back with a vengence. I don’t know what those priestesses did to her but Nick better give Taylor one more conversation because she’s scaring me.
Next week we’ll find out what Taylor’s last ditch effort is to
win back Nick ruin Corinne’s chances at love. Then it looks like they’re heading somewhere warm because Nick isn’t wearing a shirt in the promo. Oh and he’s crying a lot. In fact they’re all crying. It’s like inauguration night all over again.
Typically I would post my top four contenders here (Vanessa, Rachel, Danielle L., Raven/Danielle M.), but my top pick this week is Alexis, because she’s the best thing about this season. No, she won’t make it to hometowns. No, she doesn’t have any chemistry with Nick. But do you know what she does have? A healthy fear of Nicholas Cage, and I can respect that.
What did you think about this week’s episode? Did I miss anything important during the two-on-one while I was looking over my shoulder for my dad? If you notice any major issues can you blame them on the 101 degree fever I had while I wrote this? Tell me in the comments!