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It should come as no secret that I would trade places with one of the contestants on The Bachelor for a few days. Who wouldn’t take a Caribbean vacation for the low cost of your dignity and the chance at being turned into a gif? Put me in, coach! I could totally hide my c-section scar in one of those high-waisted bikini bottoms that everyone pretends to like for fear of retribution from Taylor Swift. Plus, my husband would be too busy fielding inquiries for my future as an Instagram spokeswoman to get upset. This plan is foolproof. There’s only one catch: you better believe I’d fake an allergic reaction to helicopters before I ended up on the hometown date episode.
Here are the top moments from Nick’s hometown dates with gif reactions.
When we left off last week, Nick had just sent Kristina, the Russian spy next door, home. Setting aside the geopolitical implications of that decision, the remaining four women weren’t sure what crazy thing he would do next. Nick is a completely
terrible unpredictable Bachelor. For all we know he could refuse to abdicate the Bachelor throne, choosing to torture viewers for years to come with the smile he makes when he feels uncomfortable and his inability to enunciate. IT COULD HAPPEN. He’s that unpredictable. Instead he walked back into their Bimini (still a real place) beach house and offered Raven, Rachel, Corinne, and Vanessa each a rose and an obligation to introduce him to their respective parents. Hometowns here we come.
The first “lucky” stop on Nick’s cross-country journey to meet four separate sets of parents was Hoxie, Arkansas. Raven was there to greet him on a four-wheeler wearing teeny tiny denim cutoffs that would have made fellow Southern bombshell Daisy Duke jealous. Raven drawled in a voiceover that “to have fun in Hoxie you go muddin’, frog giggin’, and climb grain bins.” I had no idea why any of those things would be considered fun, especially when her brother showed up in a frayed police uniform to “catch them” climbing grain bins. But then Raven got Nick shirtless in the middle of a muddy field and it all made sense. Nick may drive me crazy, but the man clearly knows how to use an ab roller. They played around in the mud until her white t-shirt was see through and my TV screen was fogging up.
That night Nick and Raven arrived at her family home to meet her family. Before we could get too far into the introductions Raven’s mom said they had something very important to tell them about Raven’s father’s lung cancer. I’m not sure if it was her thick Southern accent or a ploy by the producers, but she proceeded to draw out the talk for as long as she possibly could before telling them that her dad is cancer free. It was wonderful news that caused Nick to clap awkwardly from the couch while everyone else cried and hugged.
After dinner they broke up into separate conversations in order for Raven to tug on our heartstrings some more by telling her dad that no one but him would ever walk her down the aisle. Her mom questioned their relationship but Rachel admitted that she’s falling for Nick “by the grit of her teeth” and that she feels more strongly for him than her past relationships. Do you think she meant her last relationship that ended with her beating her naked ex with a stiletto? Meanwhile, Nick took the opportunity to ask Raven’s dad for his blessing to move forward with a proposal. Her dad admitted that he didn’t expect to like Nick (join the club) but that he does give his blessing as long as he doesn’t do anything “crazy” after this. Don’t hold your breath in those cancer-free lungs, sir.
In the end, Raven blew her last opportunity to tell Nick that she’s falling in love with him, but he saw her in a wet t-shirt so I’m pretty sure he’ll keep that in mind when he hands out the fantasy suite date roses at the next ceremony.
Nick’s next stop was in Dallas where he arrived to greet Rachel in out of character choice of slacks and a blue oxford. Much to my surprise, they weren’t heading to the courthouse for a mock paternity trial, they were going to church. Not just any church, a black church. You could tell it was a black church because they said it about a hundred times. Nick looked like a fish out of water watching the more expressive form of worship than he was accustomed to as the people around him clapped and stomped. It’s okay Nick, you’ve made us uncomfortable all season too.
They shared a couple of post-church mimosas, as one does, while Nick said typical white guy statements like, “amen is amen,” and “I’m not color blind,” to express his comfort with their cultural differences. It was like he read a book on being “woke” from the impulse buy section of Urban Outfitters.
That night Rachel introduced Nick to everyone in her family except the one person we actually cared to meet. Rachel’s dad has been the center of several of their conversations. I was looking forward to seeing the Honorable Judge Lindsay completely annihilate Nick with his cross-examination. But it turns out that federal judges can’t appear on reality TV shows or something completely reasonable like that. Rude.
Instead we got a brief but important lesson on the complexities of interracial relationships from Rachel’s sister and (white) brother-in-law and from her mom. Neither Rachel nor Nick have ever seriously dated a person outside of their race. I think it was clear from his reaction to the questions that he is thoughtlessly approaching their future together. Some of my interpretation could be clouded by the fact that we know Nick doesn’t end up picking her, but I also think he simply isn’t aware of what it is like to be black in this country at this point in history. It’s an important conversation that I look forward to seeing The Bachelor delve further into when Rachel is our bachelorette. Is The Bachelor about to be the This is Us of reality TV? A girl can dream.
Soon Nick was meeting Corinne at her favorite place in her hometown of Miami: a high end shopping mall. Yes, Corinne’s ideal date is a day watching Nick model designer outfits while she sips champagne. Based on what we know about Nick’s ego they may be a perfect match after all. Corinne whipped out her credit card to spend $3,423.80 on an outfit for an anxiety ridden Nick, which is more than I spent on my first car. I called it Manuel because it had a manual transmission. I could fit about 12 college girls in it at one time, so it was pretty similar to Nick’s love life.
After their pretty woman style shopping spree, Corinne treated Nick to lunch with a side of feelings being declared. Corinne is in love with Nick. You could tell because she said it while avoiding eye contact.
Nick wore his outfit that cost the same amount as a few year’s worth of college textbooks to dinner at Corinne’s family’s Miami high rise. Her big fat Greek family was completely endearing even if they did make her nanny Raquel serve them dinner before she could sit with them. Sure, Raquel has been her “second mom” since she was 7 years-old but the only person getting a free-ride in this family is Corinne. My favorite part of dinner was watching Nick choke down a homemade Greek olive and then painfully lie that it was the best he’d ever had. I have a feeling that’s a lie he’ll be repeating next week on his fantasy dates.
Corinne’s parents were both taken back by the depth of Corinne’s feelings for Nick. When her dad expressed concern that she was already in love with Nick she said, “It’s been a month and a half,” and he replied laughingly, “that’s only 6 weeks!” Stop being practical, dad, true love knows no credit limit. Corinne’s dad was hilariously tipsy (now we know where Corinne gets it) when he told Nick that Corinne would be willing to be the breadwinner. You know, if he couldn’t keep her clothed in baby seal skin or whatever is hot for Fall 2017. Then he told Nick that if Corinne is the one that makes him happy, he has his blessing to be with her. Sure, as if he’s ever said no to Corinne before. The family watching from the window while Corinne kissed Nick good-bye and Raquel cleaned up the dinner dishes. Not kidding.
Nick went international for his final hometown date with Vanessa in Montreal, Quebec. In another display of Vanessa’s complete superiority to Nick in every way, she took him to her school where she is an adult special education teacher. Her students were endearing as they welcomed Vanessa back and told Nick he’s a lucky guy. Honestly, what is she doing on this show? She speaks something like five languages, has a body that wont quit, is genuinely kind, and she’s gorgeous. Doesn’t Prime Minister Justin Trudeau have a brother or something for her? Canada would be making a huge mistake letting her migrate to Milwaukee for this guy.
After a quick Italian lesson (yet another language she speaks fluently) Vanessa introduced Nick to her huge Italian family. There was a lot of cheek kissing and interpreting, but the gist of it was that Vanessa is well loved and if Nick hurts her he will most certainly die. Vanessa isn’t the only intelligent person in her family because everyone from her mom to her Seth Green lookalike little brother wanted her to think about what their future would be. The short answer is that Vanessa and Nick haven’t talked about it. At all. As in, he may propose to her in a couple of weeks and they haven’t discussed the fact that they live in different countries or what they’ll do for work. Wake up, Vanessa! You’re supposed to be the smart one.
Around this time in the episode the National Weather Service interrupted my feed with a flash flood warning. I’m not saying I believe in signs, but a huge blaring alarm playing when Vanessa introduced Nick to her dad seemed like a glaring red flag. Vanessa’s dad agreed because when Nick asked for his blessing to propose he said, “did you ask the other parents the same question?” It was pretty telling of Nick’s personality that his first instinct was to deflect but Vanessa’s dad was a total badass who wouldn’t back down. Nick admitted that he has asked the question before (the 6th time he’s done so on The Bachelor if you’re keeping track) and her dad went straight to tell Vanessa. Ouch.
With all of the hometown dates completed Nick and his four girlfriends flew to New York City for the rose ceremony. They each took a turn staring pensively into the skyline on a balcony while contemplating the status of their relationship. Vanessa was especially unhappy with how things ended in Montreal. She was crying realizing that while she is in love with Nick she still doesn’t have any reassurance of his feelings for her. It’s almost like she’s on a dating show where the lead isn’t allowed to declare his feelings. Anyway, it seemed like she was on her way to his hotel suite to talk to him when a knock came at his door, but when he opened it there was a different brunette bombshell standing there. It was Andi! Andi Dorfman, the leather leggings aficionado and the first Bachelorette to break Nick’s heart. I didn’t see that coming, but I did see the episode ending right then because it’s two hour are up and the producers are mean.
Most importantly, next week we’ll find out what in the actual world Andi is doing on this show again. I can only assume her tell all book needed a publicity bump, but if she’s crawling back for seconds I’ll be 100% okay with it because this season is already a disaster. Then we’ll all live the horror that is the secondhand embarrassment of the fantasy suite dates. There’s only a few episodes left so Nick better pull it together if he wants us to tune in to his season of Marriage Boot Camp. Just kidding, you couldn’t pay me to miss that hot mess.
Keeping in mind that Nick is a seriously terrible Bachelor who makes unpredictable decisions, I’m fairly certain that my final two picks from last week will stand. Corinne may be the person every decision Nick has ever made has led him to, but he’s selfish and lacks the earning potential to support her shopping habit. So I’m fairly certain that he’ll take his chances on temporary happiness with Raven or Vanessa.
What do mudding, going to church, shopping, and teaching special education students have in common? Nothing because Nick is a terrible Bachelor. Do you agree? Who is he going to pick? Will The Bachelor do a good job talking about race next season? Let’s talk in the comments.
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