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Okay. Be honest: who is going to miss 2016? Will any of you look back and think, “2016 was the year of living my best life”? Most likely you’ll think, “2016…” followed up by the poo, middle finger, barf face, and skull emojis. A new year means so much to different people: a chance to look back, to start over, to make a resolution only to break that resolution because you were so damn distracted by the dumpster fire that was Mariah Carey’s NYE performance. Here at TN, we’ve already lamented over the worst of 2016, reflected on the resolutions we made and those we totally forgot about, and made our predictions for the new year.
A new year for me is all of this but it’s also a chance to say so long to all those trends that made your teeth sit on edge. It’s what defined cringeworthy, made your eyes roll back in their sockets, inspired you to find the “Hide This Post” setting. You know those trends: the ones that took hostage of your Facebook or Instagram feed, inundated your recommendations on YouTube.
So, what trends need to go gently into that good night that was 2016? What do we never need to see again in order to save 2017?
Can we please make 2017 the year that we stop standing on chairs at restaurants or coffee houses, hovering over perfectly plated omelettes or cups of cappuccino with a foam heart, making sure that the lighting hits the food just right or that the spoon is positioned in such a way next to the saucer? Don’t even get me started when someone calls him or herself a “foodie.” Congratulations. You enjoy something that we all need in order to survive. If that’s the case, do I start calling myself a “Oxygenie”?
I’ll admit it: I’ve been guilty of the stylized food post.
However, I did it once and when I finally got the “staging” right, found the right light, and edited the picture to the point that it no longer resembled its original state, my coffee was freezing cold and the Ikea catalogue pricing had changed.
In 2017, let’s resolve to Instagram IRL our food: an omelette smothered in ketchup with kale pushed to the side because you really feel that kale is Mother Nature’s pubes, a restaurant coffee cup with set-in lipstick stains, or even a burnt DiGiorno pizza that you left in the oven five minutes too long.
Now that’s a post I can wholeheartedly heart.
Okay, let me first proclaim that I’m not against people using social media to promote their multi level marketing entrepreneurial endeavors. You want to post about some wrinkle-reducing serum that uses baby spittle as its magical ingredient that you’re hoping your friends and family will buy from you, go for it and more power to you. Have a product that you use on yourself, believe in, and truly feel that it will make the life of those you love better and more fulfilling? Put it all over Instagram accompanied by hashtags of BestLife or 40istheNew20.
My issue is the incessant posts promising to make me “my own boss,” and to “live the life I always dreamed about.” The bombardment of direct messages that are saccharine in their concern for my welfare or about my family but are veiled attempts at recruitment for a “team.” Convincing others that even though they are unfamiliar with the product or even the company, they can still be consultants for the business and find “financial freedom.” Using friendship as a guise to build one’s financial empire. This is my problem with MLM posts. It isn’t about friendship: it’s about profit.
My hope is that this year, people will recognize that friendship is not the road to financial wealth and that friends don’t let friends join a pyramid scheme.
Remember the good ole days when you made a fish face to put on your blush or contour your nonexistent cheekbones? Well, fork that. Get it?
2016 was the year that a fork was no longer just something to use for your meal but a way to achieve a razor thin nose. Need to achieve that perfect winged eyeliner look but can’t draw a straight line to save your life? Well, after you finish adjusting that spoon for your foodie post, use it to get that wing just right. Don’t even get me started on the personal hygiene possibilities of the spork.
First, I want to meet the person who thought, “Y’know. If I just take this butter knife to my cheekbone, slather on the bronzer above the blade, this would be the perfect look.” Second, I want to push that person down an escalator in Sephora. Was the goal for this obnoxious beauty trend to make women look like pregnant Bella Swan?
2017 is the year you put the fork down slowly and back away from the utensils caddy. Actually, put the fork in the dishwasher because you probably got foundation on it and that could be really nasty if you don’t clean that soon. You’re beautiful and you don’t need to put an eating utensil on your face to accomplish that.
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