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We’ve all heard the saying, “new year, new me” but what we really mean is “new year, same me but with the intention to change a few things so that 2017 doesn’t suck as bad as 2016 did”. (Someone needs to tattoo that in small script on their forearm immediately.) You know one thing we don’t need to change? Our television viewing habits because, The Bachelor is back and smuttier than ever.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot, Nick Viall is our Bachelor. Yes, that Nick. You’ll remember him as the curly headed little hobbit runner-up from Andi’s season who morphed into the curly headed little hobbit with really nice abs runner-up in Kaitlyn’s season who then turned into a surprisingly likable shirtless man with a beard who probably has a nice personality as long as he’s not competing for the love of a woman on national television on Bachelor in Paradise. Are you caught up now?
On Monday night, Nick’s fourth chance at love premiered with the arrival of his 30 potential fiances. Rest assured that they are all young, beautiful and will be selling flat tummy tea to their Instagram followers by February. Here are the top moments from The Bachelor’s season premiere with my gif reactions.
In case you didn’t know, Nick looks good shirtless. Really good. So good that he appeared shirtless in the first 8 minutes more times than Ben showed off his dad bod during his entire season. I counted. There were shirtless running scenes, shirtless pensively staring off into the distance scenes, and even one scene in a shower that required a black censor box large enough to make me think Nick paid off the producers.
However, no amount of man abs could make up for the annoying way he spoke. Has he always had a lisp? Were we so blinded by his Robin Williams-after-he-turned-back-into-Peter-Pan-in-the-movie-Hook hair that we didn’t notice his voice? Sure he has always been a mumbler, but it sounded like he was speaking with invisible headgear on. He pronounced “bachelor” like your uncle on Christmas would after imbibing in too much egg nog. Maybe next time he should spend less time with a personal trainer and more time with a speech therapist.
Before he could meet his future ex-girlfriends, Nick met up with three past Bachelors to
give them a few more seconds in the spotlight get some advice. Sean Lowe, Chris Soules and Ben Higgins probably told him some helpful tips, but I was too distracted by Chris’ disconcerting giggle and too busy wondering why we ever thought Ben was hot. I’m sure we didn’t miss anything important.
Finally it was time to
judge meet Nick’s future ex-girlfriends as limousines full of women a decade younger than him arrived at the mansion. If you sniff really hard you can almost smell the stench of patriarchy under the bouquet of roses bedecking the mansion entrance. Just kidding, I’m not bitter, I’d date models 13 years younger than me on national television too if given the chance. I’m sure my kids and husband could use one of the spare rooms when they visit.
Raven the 25 year-old Fashion Boutique owner is cute and Southern. So Southern that she said the only things to do in her hometown of Hoxie, Arkansas is to “go mudding, shoot guns, and read the Bible”. Sounds likes a political ad for the 2020 presidential election. She had Nick yell out “Woo Pig Sooie!” which apparently has something to do with football, but I stop paying attention when hog calls and football are mentioned in the same sentence.
Corinne, the 24 year-old “business owner” from Miami only gets quotes around her job because she lives and works with her parents. So she’s less of a business owner and more of a business squatter. She’ll probably need to ask her nanny Raquel to explain that joke to her, which she can do BECAUSE SHE HAS A NANNY. You can’t make this stuff up (unless you’re a producer on The Bachelor in which case you make it up and I don’t even care because it’s gold…or platinum like her “vagine”). Corinne is clearly going to be the villain this season with her spoiled attitude and aptitude for stealing Nick away for the first kiss. She also looks eerily like a young version of Ivanka Trump so the jokes write themselves. I like her already.
Lauren, the 30 year-old law student, made a strong first impression when she told Nick that they were both blessed with horrible last names (hers being Hussey, his being Viall). She said, “Basically, together you and I are a disgusting slut.” How did he stop himself from proposing right then?
Jasmine G., the 29 year-old Professional Basketball Dancer, cut right to the chase when she brought Bachelor regular, jeweler Neil Lane with her to meet Nick for the first time. This was only slightly uncomfortable considering Nick has met Neil three other times to pick out engagement rings. They did the man hug thing and then Jasmine G. showed him what kind of diamond she would want. Nothing says, “I’m here for the right reasons” like picking out diamonds within the first few moments of meeting your new boyfriend. Jasmine went on to cry multiple times throughout the cocktail party so she seems like a ball full of fun.
Astrid, the 26 year-old Plastic Surgery Office Manager, used her first opportunity to speak to Nick to sexually harass him in German. “Have you seen the breasts?” she asked in an accent perfect for her debut as a Heidi Klum impersonator in the mansion’s talent show. “They are real.” I hope human resources isn’t one of her responsibilities as manager. Also,can we talk about how she manages a plastic surgery office but she emphasized that her breasts are real? That’s just bad for business.
In her introduction package Josephine, a 24 year-old Registered Nurse, aggressively pet her cat while saying she wants to find love on The Bachelor because, “I have my cat, but it’s not the same.” It was like she was repeating back something her mother yelled at her over the dinner table. “When are you going to meet a nice man, Josephine? Having a cat is not the same.” But, since Josephine clearly only has experience dating cats, she thought forcing a reluctant Nick to “Lady and the Tramp” a cold hot dog that she pulled out of a book was a good idea. Why was the uncooked hot dog in a hollowed out book like she was smuggling contraband into prison? Because he’s a “wiener in her book”.
Brittany, a 26 year-old Traveling Nurse told Nick that she knows he is dating a lot of other women so she wanted to make sure that he was clean. Yes, she meant clean of sexually transmitted diseases and yes she snapped on a rubber glove before asking him to turn around and bend over. Doesn’t she know this show saves that for the one-on-one dates?
It’s about time that they have a Mental Health Counselor on this show. I just never thought she would be 23 year-old Taylor who, within moments of meeting Nick, told him that her girlfriends think he is “a complete piece of sh*t.” I hope she already passed her board exams because she could use a little work on her bedside manner. Then again, that usually comes up in the fantasy suites so she has some time to practice.
Jaimi, a 28 year-old Chef, complimented Nick on his resilient pursuit of love by saying he “has balls…and so do I”. Every human emotion that has ever existed flashed across Nick’s face while he considered if he was about to be dating The Bachelor’s first transgender contestant. Then Jaimi cheekily pulled a septum piercing with a curved barbell out of the depths of her nostrils. Because referring to your genitals while picking metal out of your nose cavity is the definition of romance.
There’s always someone who shows up on an animal. I was fully expecting to see an elephant wearing striped pajamas with some sort of reference to Nick’s trunk, but instead we got Lacey riding a camel. “I hear you like a good hump and so do I,” may go down as the worst first introduction in the history of The Bachelor so at least Lacey has that going for her.
Hailey, a 23 year-old Canadian Photographer introduced herself to Nick with a dirty joke. “Do you know what a girl wearing underwear says?” she asked. When he replied that, in fact, he does not know what a girl wearing underwear says she gave a sultry look and said, “Neither do I.” I’m sure their future grandchildren will be telling the story of their love for generations to come.
I had Liz, the 29 year-old Doula, in my top four based on their cast bios because she seemed like Nick’s type. Guess what? I was right, because homeboy already slept with her. Yep. It turns out that Liz was the Maid of Honor at Jade and Tanner’s wedding (Bachelor alumi, popular tweeters and purveyors of sponsored ads) where she met Nick. They apparently drank too much and had “a wild and crazy night”. It turns out that Nick asked Liz for her phone number but she chose to just walk away without pursuing more. That is, until he became The Bachelor. Can’t say I blame the girl who looks a little like a wax version of Kate Middleton pre-Princess Diaries makeover.
Liz chose not to tell Nick who she was when they first met which led to some first class secondhand embarrassment as he tried to figure out if he knew her. Later they spoke again and he admitted that yes, he remembers her and yes, it’s super shady that she didn’t want him until he was The Bachelor. Liz sat there kind of shell shocked while I clapped in glee.
Finally, saving the best and most confusing for last, Alexis the 23 year-old Aspiring Dolphin Trainer, arrived wearing nude stilettos and a polyester shark costume that she refused to admit was not a dolphin. I have to hand it to her, it didn’t matter how many times the other women questioned her, she was adamant that she was “dolphinately” dressed as a dolphin. What started as a weird shtick somehow became endearing as she made dolphin calls from the pool and danced on her own like Katy Perry’s left shark. In a Mansion full of women trying to impress a man, it was somehow refreshing to see a grown woman prance around as a trans-species fish/mammal. I’ve stopped trying to understand this show.
Finally, the initial introductions were complete so the women had the chance to look around and judge their competition. When they did one thing became clear; a large percentage of them took their wardrobe inspiration from the dancing girl emoji. In fact 40% of them arrived in a red gown. I haven’t heard that much controversy over a dress color since the “is it blue or white?” debacle of 2016. (It was white and gold, don’t lie.)
So far I’ve only managed to mention 13 women out of the 30 Nick is dating at this point in the show, but rest assured there are 17 more. Yes, 17. Women like Vanessa, the bilingual Special Education Teacher, Danielle L. the gorgeous small business owner and Danielle M. the neonatal NICU nurse. For every crazy introduction there was a promising one, but here’s the deal: I’ll be forced to write a lot about those sweet, beautiful, boring women later this season. So for this week I’m embracing the crazy.
I’ve never been a big fan of Nick Viall. I was disappointed when Luke wasn’t chosen as our Bachelor and rolled my eyes at the casting news of Nick. But, when Nick picked Rachel, a 31 year-old Attorney, to receive his first impression rose I felt he vindicated himself. It was a sign of maturity that 36 year-old Nick picked a woman who was accomplished, age appropriate, family oriented and a person of color. Nick likes his women smart, mature, well-spoken and confident. They’re going to make me like this guy this season, aren’t they?
In the end, 8 women were sent home crying on night one. I couldn’t help but wonder what happens to their wardrobe when they get sent home this early. Can they return 6 weeks worth of gowns? You’ll never see Olivia, Lauren, Briana, Angela, Ida Marie, Susannah, Michelle, or Jasmine B. on your TV again. Or at least you’ll never see them again until the summer when Bachelor in Paradise comes back and they need a free STD check and a paid vacation.
As always, I avoid spoilers like Nick avoids being single, so these picks are based only on my instincts. I think we’ll be seeing quite a bit more from first impression rose receiver Rachel, Neonatal Nurse Danielle M., Special Education Teacher Vanessa and Small Business Owner Danielle L. Whether or not you agree with me, make sure to update your picks in our Fantasy Bachelor League.
I have a good feeling about this season, but nothing I could say could ever live up to watching this trailer. No really, do yourself a favor and watch it. You’ll feel so much better about your life choices after.
What did you think about the premiere? Did I miss any of your favorite introductions? Who do you think is in the top four? Let’s talk in the comments!