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I know a lot of you have voted early so you have the freedom to ignore the last gasps of this election shitshow with a clean conscience and a wine IV drip. However I, for one, LOVE to vote in the booth on the day! I look forward to strolling into my local Futon Shop (for real), fraternizing with fellow citizens who, like me, either believe in the democratic process or just need a quality futon at a great price (or both!), opening up my phonebook-size California proposition books, and participating the hell out of America, bitches!!! It just gives me all Leslie Knope feelings!
But this year is extra special, because it is the day we all scream a collective “FUCK YOU” to the entire election season, and I feel the need to celebrate with the proper election day attire. So here are some Election Day fashion recommendations for my voting friends across the spectrum.
Members of the pantsuit nation will experience many different moods when voting for the first female POTUS. It’s important to pick the right one to reflect your attitude and keen sense of style!
This shirt is for the discerning Hillary voter who wishes to express her pride voting for a lady-boss, but is also looking for that perfect piece to round out her wardrobe! This hand-hewn fashion statement is the love child of Elle from Legally Blonde and Napoleon Dynomite, and is completely Anna Wintour approved! It’s also made by my awesome friend Nor in her garage in L.A., so it meets all of your fair trade/locally sourced requirements! Get it here (click on ‘contact’).
Get it here
Voting for Hillary is more than, well, voting for Hillary. It’s a way to ensure that we not only preserve the last 100 years of progress in women’s rights, but actually continue to expand them so that our daughters will never have to see a piece of shit tweet out this kind of garbage again:
This shirt is a way to open a dialogue with the douchecanoes in your life about what they can expect under the tyranny of a female president. Horrors such as paid family leave, lower taxes on the middle class and massive investments in the infrastructure that is fundamental to a thriving economy.
Accessorize with a pantsuit and copies of the Vagenda of Manocide comic for easy agenda dissemination.
When casting a vote for this nasty woman, you have the opportunity to celebrate epic, behind-the-scenes lady-nastiness that made America what it is today. This shirt is a great reminder of the amazing contributions nasty-women have made to science, like Katherine Johnson, the African-American woman who got John Glenn to the moon. (Look for the movie, Hidden Figures, starring Taraji P. Henson next year.) Our history is in the shadows, but it’s about to step into the light! Live long and prosper, may the force be with you and other nerd things!!! Get it here
Accessorize with a mylar pantsuit and a sliderule calibrated to calculate the exact moment when the last shred of Scott Baio’s relevance leaves Earth’s atmosphere.
Get it here
With a nod toward the Donald’s infamous Access Hollywood comments, here’s a shirt screams “not only am I voting for Hillary, but I am also anti-voting for you, you sexually predatory, narcissistic troglodyte!” This shirt is basically the socially acceptable equivalent of heading to the voting booth wearing a foam middle finger on each hand, a middle finger hat, shoes with middle fingers sticking up out of the tops while walking with an entourage of 5 women with the bird locked and loaded. And it is gonna feel soooooooo good!
Accessorize with a black pantsuit, black metal-studded belt and biker boots, along with as many middle fingers as you can physically attach to your body.
Get it here
I recommend this shirt for that magical unicorn known as “female who is voting for Trump and [still] reads That’s Normal.” Why? Because I literally cannot tell whether this shirt is serious or if it is a joke, which makes it the perfect metaphor for his entire campaign. Plus I find its ridiculous bravado mesmerizing – like, I can see how it depicts kind of a compelling presidential narrative of an apparently 10 foot tall commander-in-chief, weaponized fowl and shrewd branding, dampened only by the fact that the American flag appears to be under attack by rogue schrapnal. And that a tank festooned in Trump propaganda would actually denote a military coup. And that Bald Eagles actually loathe Trump.
Accessorize with a defensive athletic cup and a hobble garter so you can get ready for life in Trumplandia!
Many of you cannot even with the major party nominees, and will be voting either third party or write in. I don’t understand you crazy kids, but I respect that you know what you want in a president, and you just don’t see it on the party ticket.** There are loads of “don’t blame me, I voted for ____” shirts out there, but due to the amount of shade you’ve gotten from the old people about how “you are just too young to understand how things work”, you might want to show up with a vintage tee that invokes another by-gone election that sucked to help them understand.
May I present the Bloom County “Don’t me I voted for Bill and Opus” t-shirt, which was inspired by the god-awful 1988 Bush/Dukakis snooze-fest. People can instantly connect with that time when oh-God-I-can’t-even-expend-the-energy-to-pull-the-lever-for-one-of-these-tools-or-however-the-fuck-we-voted-back-then. (Seriously, I would not be surprised to learn that Alf garnered a significant number of write-in votes during this election.)
Pair it with acid-washed, pleated jean shorts and some completely superfluous suspenders so you can thoroughly telegraph your pain to the world.
**Write-in suggestion for my swing state friends:
As Beth pointed out, this has been a one hell of a miserable slog. It will be over on Tuesday, and whatever happens, as scary as it may be to you, remember that we do have checks and balances to guard against total disaster (at least this is what I’ve been telling myself every time I’ve been tempted to curl up into the fetal position for the past week).
But mostly it’s going to be awesome, because we will look sharp, and we’ve totally got this! (And we will have a lot of wine on hand).
God bless you, Leslie Knope.
Catch you on the flip side . . . if the internet is still a thing!
What are wearing on election day? Which Futon Shop location do you vote in? How much do you plan to drink on Tuesday night? If you are Canadian how do you feel about a head of state swap program?
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