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After years of waiting for Mister Right or even Mister You-Will-Do-For-The-Time-Being-If-That-Time-Is-After-Nine-PM, ignoring my family and friends pleas of joining Match.com, and denying that I need to use any type of app to help me score in the love region, I finally succumbed to the inevitable.
I am now trying online dating. You read that correctly, world: I swiped right on having an algorithm find my true mate. Just like how I always dreamed it would be!
Okay, slight confession: I wasn’t exactly 100% on board when I created my profile. My first thought was Do I write about my goal to someday start a bullet journal? My second thought was Please, Lord. Don’t let me be matched with one of my ex students. My third thought was Someday, I’m going to write a post about this. Well, past Julie, today’s that someday.
Before I knew it, I was actually enjoying myself. Excitedly swiping right on guys named Jack, Sean, and Peter. Swiping a big fat rejection left on guys named Blaze, Panty Ripper, and Bob. C’mon, Bob. At least rebrand yourself as Rob.
I’d swipe right if he was this clever.
But if there is one lesson to be learned in the traitorous world of online dating, it’s that a profile can make you swipe right and sit by your phone waiting for the swipee to wink back, or can make you swipe left and change your settings once again.
As someone who has now done her fair share of scrolling through profiles and swiping, I feel that I’ve become somewhat of an online dating expert – if you consider only one month experience enough for expertise. Here’s my do’s and don’ts of men’s online dating profiles.
By opening up an online dating profile, you’re already putting yourself out there. So why not showoff the real you? Unless the real you is doing beer bongs at Spring Break in Cancun this past April and you’re 41 years old.
You’re not fooling me with that Stussy t-shirt or your Von Dutch trucker hat. Update the pics and let your gray hair and crow’s feet fly.
If you’re looking for something a little more serious, fantastic. If you’re looking to “have fun,” even better. If you really did read all Twilight books, I think I’m in love.
Hey, men of online dating, come here for a second:
WOMEN READ YOUR PROFILES.
Don’t write Love the rain, taking canoe rides, going to church, helping out old ladies, and perfecting my bullet journal when you in fact think sprinkling is the beginning of a tsunami, a canoe ride is a sex move you created in college, you haven’t stepped into a church since you found out you can’t make change in the collection plate, you helped only one old lady because you were trying to hook up with her hot grandaughter (or you have a cougar fetish and were trying to get into 89 year old Muriel’s literal granny panties), and you think a bullet journal is a target for your your AK-47.
If you want a hook up, be honest about it. Don’t write in your profile Looking for a good girl who is my intellectual and spiritual equal, when your first direct message is, “Hey gorgeous, how do you feel about key parties?”
I’m pretty sure it’s scientifically proven that men are hotter when posing with their dogs or cats.
I’m pretty sure it’s scientifically proven that women lose their lady boner when you’re Frenching Fido. Just stop. I don’t care if your dog gives the best kisses. Your dog also has the ability to lick his own asshole.
Sure, the typical profile will give likes and dislikes. Some even throw in height for the hell of it. But the ones that stand out? A memorable fact or even those that poke fun at stereotypical profiles.
You know that guy. Puts only Nietzsche quotes in their “About Me.” Informs visitors he will swipe left if you’re voting democratic. Writes how no girl will ever love him like Mother.
Just take a breather, use only a couple of Nietzsche quotes, simply identify your political party and delete the Mother comment after you see a therapist who can help you work through your Oedipus complex.
It’s just a profile. Show your crazy after you meet.
Have you tried online dating? What are your do’s and don’ts in dating profiles? Let us know!
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