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What does the phrase “Grand Slam” mean to you? If your response involves anything relating to scrambled eggs and hash browns, you’re disqualified. Grand Slams are the ultimate event in tennis. Think of them as the Academy Awards of sport, if the Oscars came around four times a year and featured hot Spaniards instead of self-congratulating WASPs.
And this week kicks off the very first Grand Slam of 2015. Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi oi oi! It’s the Australian Open!
Andy Murray, aka Grumpy Cat
Who’s worse? Aussie tennis fans or Duke basketball fans? Undecided.
Do you know how long it takes to fly Melbourne, Australia? Eighty seven hours. It’s way on the other side of the planet. Is Australia Eastern Daylight Time ahead of us or behind us? I’m an American so I don’t curr. All I know is when I should be sleeping at 3 AM, I will be up doing this as I watch all the tennis:
Staying up to catch all the action in the middle of the night also means that during the work day, I will look like this:
You know that joke that everything in Australia is basically trying to kill you? It’s funny because it’s true.
The country’s biggest tournament is no exception in trying to end you. The biggest threat to your survival at the AO—besides Stan Wawarinka’s blistering backhand—is the heat. While I’m freezing my tits off here in Rhode Island, it’s summer in Australia. It’s hot. How hot is it? This was Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokivic after the 2012 Australian Open final.
Between the heat and the time on court trying to murder each other—5 hours and 53 minutes—Rafa and Nole required patio furniture during the trophy ceremony because neither could stand up anymore.
Last year, the heat was so insane that Canada’s Frank Dancevic started to hallucinate during his match against Frenchman Benoit Paire. As the temperatures soared, Dancevic started to see Snoopy on the court right before he collapsed on the blue Plexicushion surface.
It’s so hot that ball boys faint.
I think he saw Grigor Dimitrov removing his shirt on a changeover.
It’s so hot, Maria Sharapova finds an actual, legitimate, non-bullshit reason to grunt and scream.
It’s so hot out players like Jerzy Janowicz do this.
HOW MANY TIMES will this fan oscillate! – Jezry Janowicz, 2014
So grab your Evian spray bottles and get set to get wet, ladies. The Australian Open is here and so are the Hot Guys of Sports. More specifically, this is the Hot Guys Eastern Hemisphere Edition!
Lleyton Hewitt. Great name. Sounds like the name of a dude trying to get into Lady Mary’s knickers. Curently ranked number 87, Lleyton is a former world number one who keeps grinding away on the ATP tour. Higher ranked guys do not want to meet the counterpunching Hewitt in the draw because he can upset you faster than you can say BOOP!
Lleyton is from Adelaide, and just like me, his mom was a PE teacher. He has three children, all of whom can be described as flaxen haired, and when he wins, he usually brings them on the court. As if winning weren’t enough, Lleyton also needs to make my ovaries erupt. BOOP, you’re pregnant.
The men of tennis that I love are all in their 30s, which means that one day, Daveeeeed and Feliciano will retire and I will have to find a new tennis boyfriend. Ladies, meet my new tennis boyfriend, Mr. Thanasi Kokkinakis. Oh my God. Look at his face.
He looks like my next mistake.
Thanasi is 18 and, like Hewitt, also hails from Adelaide. He says his tennis idol is Marat Safin, and Safin was known for being the biggest horndog the ATP tour. Nice choice, Thanasi! Thanasi is a righty with a powerful forehand, and if tennis doesn’t work out for him, he is on tap to replace Niall Horan when Niall eventually gets kicked out of One Direction. Face facts, Niall. You are the weakest 1D link.
Hey girl. Ready to do some squats?
In 2014, Nick was responsible for the shot of the year, hitting a tweener for a winner while defeating Rafa Nadal on Centre Court at Wimbledon. Nick is as cool as the other side of the pillow (RIP Stuart Scott…sob).
Nick made it to the Wimbledon quarterfinals, and suddenly people were wondering, When this this little ball of adorable…
grow up into this tall drink of UNF?
Nick with bestie and fellow Greek-Australian Thanasi Kokkinakis, the newest memeber of 1D
Two things to know about Nick:
1) His mom is Malaysian royalty, so if you marry him, you might become a Princess.
2) He’s had a beef with Drake. WHAT? Yup. Beef with Drake = Greatest thing ever. After Nick said listening to Drake before his third round 2014 Wimbledon match made him come out flat, Drake got his fee fees all hurt, so Nick had to soothe him with this tweet:
It’s okay, Nick. Drake knows he’s the worst.
Hailing from Japan, Nishikori really broke through in 2014, cracking the ATP top 5 and and becoming the first Asian man to make it to a Grand Slam final after beating Novak Djokovik in the US Open semis. Kei’s playing style actually reminds me a lot of Djokovic’s. Think “Plastic Man.” So very bendy! Kei plays great on hard courts and should do well in Melbourne.
Lumberjack teaches Kei about a different kind of yellow ball.
After a long hard match, Kei likes to relax with Suntory whiskey. Suntory Time! He’s sponsored by Uniqlo, my latest clothing obsession. So Kei, if you’re reading this and have the 411 on a Uniqlo sample sale coming up, help a girl out!
Kei is cooler than you.
I got to see Sam play LIVE AND IN PERSON at the 2014 US Open. I was mesmerized. I think he was playing some rando guy from Swizterland named Roger, but I can’t recall. I was too preoccupied with Sam’s beard. What do you get you you mix scruff with UNF!? Scrunf. Sam is scrunf. I’m pretty sure that when he’s not playing tennis, he’s an extra on the set of Vikings.
The man is a beast. He holds the world record for the fastest serve ever: 163.4 MPH. While that’s the typical speed for dbags in their BMW 5 series out there on 128 in Boston, that’s pretty fast for a fuzzy yellow ball.
Sometimes the tennis tour can be a real grind, so in 2011, Groth took some time off from tennis to play Australian rules football, aka footy. Footy is like the NFL except fewer concussions and the beers at the stadiums don’t cost $15. Also, no POS Roger Goodell.
Australian footy seems like my kind of sport. JUST KISS ALREADY!
Have you seen Roger Federer’s Nike kit for this year’s Australian Open? It says “Respect All. Fear None.” Please baby Jesus, doesn’t Roger deserve just one more Slam title?
So let’s make a pact. A sleepless pact! You will stay awake with me til 5 AM every morning to watch Australian Open tennis. That gives us like 55 minutes to nap before we have to be up and ready for work. If Fosters is Australian for beer, then this gif is American for watching the tennis played Down Under: