**SPOILERS if you haven’t watched the first episode of Sherlock Season 3: The Empty Hearse don’t blame us for the spoilers found herein.
Backstreet’s back ALRIGHT!!!! Guess who else is back? Yup, Sherlock season 3 premiered last night on PBS here in the states. I’m not sure how I was able to contain myself and not watch January 1st when it aired originally on the BBC but I made it, guys. Also, let’s be honest, I have no idea how to mask my IP or use VPN or other internet acronyms. So, I am unspoiled and ready for all the Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman my body can handle. And that’s a lot.
The Gist:
Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss have spent the last two years online, reading Sherlock posts and submerging themselves in the fandom instead of writing Sherlock Season 3. If you don’t believe me, you haven’t watched this episode. From the conspiracy theory groups to the Goth Tumblr-esque fan girl with her Moriarty/Sherlock slash to the never ending Sherlock/John gay rumors, it’s clear the writers were TROLLING their own audience HARD.CORE. And while I usually appreciate that, I couldn’t help but wonder who was really have the last laugh here.
When John gave Sherlock the beat down after faking dead for two years, it was almost as if he was taking up the cause of the fandom and beating up the show for leaving us Sherlock-less for the last two years. Yea, you do deserve a few jabs Sherlock! Now get over here so we can show you how relieved and happy we are to have you back. Ugh, the wait was awful.
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This must be Steven Moffat’s shout out to the shitty CGI that is his other project: Dr Who. Shockingly, more money went into this single three second shot of Sherlock’s eye than the entire series of Dr Who put together. I love you Whovians, but let’s get real here.
SO the story is, Sherlock faked his death and ran off for two years while he was being exonerated from the horrible crimes he was framed for by Moriarty. After all is right with the world, Sherlock comes back to find John has shacked up with some other ho besides him. Sure, Mary is cute and blond but she’s no Sherlock and Mrs. Hudson and EVERYONE else reminds us of one of the fandoms favorite ships: Johnlock.
Since John wasn’t born yesterday he made Sherlock work for it by not forgiving him right away, which forced Sherlock to ask Molly to assist him with a mystery and thus making every Sherlolly shipper cry tears of joy into the fur of their helpless cats.
Then we find out that one of the Sherlock conspiracy fanboys created a fake mystery just to see if he could lure Sherlock out of hiding and into public. Hey, ain’t no shame in that game, I may need to employ this tactic for a (real) NSYNC reunion some day. Too bad Sherlock ain’t no dummy either cause he figures it out on the spot. BUUUTTT then we’re finally treated to the real mystery (almost an hour into the episode) that Sherlock needs to unravel: a dude gets on a tube car and never gets off. Nope, he’s not still riding around London, he disappears.
The Twist:
SOOOOO turns out there’s a bomb in the a missing tube car (yea, it’s a car, not a carriage yall) and of course Sherlock and John find it JUST.IN.TIME. with mere seconds left on the clock before the bomb takes out Parliament and the shit really flies. BUUUTTT Sherlock DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO DISARM THE BOMB! His mind palace does not contain the instructions!!!!1!!!!!1 My mind palace:
Sherlock’s startling admission causes John to build a bridge and get over it and tell Sherlock he loves him and doesn’t want to die and wants to make love before the train car blows up and will he be John’s forever? Ok, maybe not but they apologize and they’re bro’s again and all is right in 221 B world. Oh and bombs have an “off” switch. WHO KNEW? A lady terrorist probably made that one. Makes too much sense.
The Important GIF(s):
My new favorite gif. Sherlock’s conspiracy fanboy destroying his own life’s work. I imagine this is what the backend of Tumblr looked like after this episode premiered.
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(If anyone has the full GIF where he FALLS down the wall, I want it. That’s the best part)
DAT KISS THOOOOOOOO. DAYUM. 
I need a minute. Or 20. I think my brain just melted.
Could You or I Solve This Mystery?:
Hmmm maybe? That emotional trickery Sherlock used to make John forgive him while huddled over a TICKING time bomb is in the Girl Code Manual page 4 but who knows when Guy Fawkes day is or that they burn some effigy at a church bonfire? Yea, me either but if Benedict wants to make me his Molly for a night, I’d certainly invite him into my mind palace ifyouknowwhatI’msayin.
Were you watching? Thoughts? Totally trolled by the writers or fandom shoutout?
