The Host came out on Friday and we’ve been talking about it for months here at That’s Normal. Now that you’ve finally had the chance to see it up close (oh baby) and personal (that’s right baby), let’s talk Host. You might call this our The Host movie review. You might call this an easy way to explain “what the HALE The Host is about and why you should see it” to your friends. Or you might call this an answer to your prayers. Or you might just call it awesome. Your choice.
Since this isn’t your normal boy meets girl or alien invasion story I’m come up with a little (read: very long) way of explaining this story. So, Earth has been invaded (peacefully, if such a thing can happen) by these things called Souls/Seekers. They’re essentially souls from another planet that look like shiny, silver-y verisons of those gross bugs that come out of your drain. Legit though, I don’t think I could touch one without getting the hebby jeebies, much less have one inserted into the base of my skull. BUT ANYWAY.
So these alien souls have taken over human bodies and made the world a super safe, peaceful, totally homogenized, structured, blouse and slacks wearing, Ikea-like world. But “where’s the fun in that?” says the like 10 non-occupied humans left in the world. In fact, they think this whole Seeker thing is bullshit, so they ban together and farm wheat in a cave in the middle of Podunk, Arizona. I mean LOTS of Arizona is Podunk but you know what I’m saying. So while they’re farming away and raging against machine (secretly. In a cave) one of the human’s (Jared) lady friends (Melanie aka Saoirse Ronan aka Shersh aka you’re only 18?) is captured and wouldn’t you know it, turned into a… DRUMROLL PLEASE…. HOST (see what they did there?!)… named… WANDA. Yup. Wanda. Like Wanda Sykes, the lesbian comedian with a funny voice. So there’s that.
Anyway, Wanda has a hard time being the new soul in this old soul’s body because like Brokeback Mountain, Melanie just can’t quit… well, herself. While Wanda tries to resist and go all stealth FBI agent and get all of Melanie’s secrets (she listened to Demi Lovato and watched Keeping up with the Kardashians before the world was invaded) she becomes too smitten with our crazy human emotions to resist. And really who could?! Love, joy, wonder, sadness, failure, unrequited love, an unexplainable fascination with Justin Bieber, paralyzing self-doubt? Clearly, it’s great being a human. Invade us PLEASE!
Melanie/Wanda then set off to find her brother and lovah Jared aka Max Irons aka please insert yourself into my body. When she finally stumbles upon their hidden lair/cave/wheat field, turns out Jared’s pretty pissed Wanda has taken over Melanie’s body and goes all Chris Brown on her ass. You know, our crazy human emotions got the best of him! Then she meets another hot dude Ian aka Jake Abel aka I’m a blogger marry me too, while harvesting some wheat. You know just regular first date, Bachelor type material… harvesting wheat. Ian is also just into Melanie for her mind, aka WANDA. This is like saying Tom Cruise reads Men’s Health for the ab workouts. Or that’s like saying that all the men who sit at Starbucks parking lots at 10PM are just there to “check their email.” That’s also like saying Ryan Lochte (#JEAH!) watches Masterpiece Classic because he didn’t lose his remote. SURE you love for her mind, Ian. SURE.
Obvi, Melanie/Wanda running away makes the Seekers, not so happy. Enter crazy Diane Kruger as an obsessed Seeker who decides it’s best to run after the one rogue human/soul/Host: Melanie/Wanda (there are a lot of slahes here) who got away. Diane Kruger is also very Brokeback in this. FYI: Diane does this all while wearing head to toe white. AND heels! Everyone else, you can now take a seat. Because Diane is a badass and because the Seekers are FABULOUS, they cover everything in silver/chrome. It’s like alien design gone wild (coming to HGTV after the apocalypse) Car? Silver-ed out. Sleep nighty? Silver-ed out. Tie? Silver-ed out. Shopping center? Silver-ed out. Fountain? Silver-ed out. Heliocopter, don’t worry they’ve got that shit covered. IN SILVER BITCHES!
I also gotta hand it to our girl Stephenie Meyer, after making Bella choose between tortured but smoking hot (even in a sleeveless, white button down), 107 year old virgin Edward or the young and eager but smoking hot (even in jorts) Jacob in Twilight, she lets Melanie/Wanda have it all. Even if only for a few make out seshes. And by have it all I mean Melanie/Wanda gets to kiss BOTH Jared and Ian within the span of like, 30 seconds and it’s super hot and we’re ALL like “this bitch!” Jealous. Maybe in the future they have a cure for mono but if not, what a way to go! I must also share that during the entire movie we’re treated to flashbacks of Melanie and Jared and we wanna give snaps for Stephenie’s first pre-marriage sex scene cause let’s be honest, when there are like five people left in the world and you’re being hunted by some crazy peace seeking aliens (hippies!), I’m not sure it really matters any more. This is the definition of being present NOW. Amiright? So go on Melanie and Jared. Getchya some, we’ll just be here… watching. Creeps.
So there’s where I will leave you because you have to see how this one ends yourself. Oh, and you have to see the Melanie/Jared sex scene which features like half of Max Irons’ butt check. The important stuff… HUMAN EMOTIONS PEOPLE.
(of course this is a gif)
Will they get Wanda outta Melanie? Will Ian still love Wanda for her mind even when her new Host (aka Emily Browning) looks TOE UP in a busted wig? Will Jared Chris Brown some more girls or just wear more sunglasses and drive more off road vehicles and look hot? Only time and the second book will tell…
Did you see The Host yet? Have you been stuck trying to describe this story to some of your friends? Cause, yea been there. Hope this helps!
